Still

I’m being still.

I’m still here.

I ask the Universe for guidance and all is still.

It’s like my friend Stephen says once you face fear it turns into a coward.  It’s still.

What will I do next?

There are no coaches at this point I care to follow.  Nor no gurus.

It’s not like I can’t be taught more, it’s more like the Universe is waiting for MY next move.

The conversations of doubt, fear, and how I’m always fucking up are Beyond old.

I just listen to them everyday as “i”  hardly exist.

A shell run by a machine I don’t like.

2:02 AM and all is still.

Maybe you are right  Stephen.

Maybe I have to be my own superhero and save myself.

In the morning when I awake will I let the machine take over?

For now it seems like  the stillness before a great battle.

We’re staring at each other.

 

 

 

 

 

Bob

My son Bob just left today for Alaska to work this summer and have some adventures.  He’s 18 and decided to do “van life” for a bit and I couldn’t be happier!

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We’ve been working hard for the last 2 months getting it ready..

 

My son Bob left today for Alaska.  I cried like a big baby!  Love is so Good!!

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I Don’t Know

Down in the valley looking up…

In the fog…

Just get through this…Just get through this…

Feeling just f’n blah blah blah…

Call it what you will, but I know many of you have been there.  For me, it happens with some “event” and then I start checking out.  I stop doing all the things that help keep me glued together.  I put my head down, ignore all the signs, and start cycling downwards.  The thought process is if I can just get past this I’ll then get back to my routine.

I guess that’s where I’m at right now and as I write this it clicks that I’m starting to head out of this valley I traveled down to.  Many events have happened lately.  My son graduated High School and will be leaving in 2 days in a camper van we built to head to Alaska for work and adventure.  A good friend, my ex-mother inlaw passed away.  Lastly, I’ve finally seen the light that my ex-wife has NO desire at all to attempt to try to be friends.  I get it.  There have been many relationships in my past where I’ve felt the same way, but I always thought that after 16 years together with 2 kids that it would be different.  She was also my best friend.  Just tough to swallow, but I’m clear now on where she stands.

I’m not looking for any advice or sorrow.  Just rambling at age 52 in no man’s land.  While I’m here I question a lot of things.  What’s working and what’s not working?  Even faith comes up in God, angels, and guides.  The only thing I truly know is Love as lame as that may sound.  It’s something I actually experience and know.

I don’t know and I guess that’s okay.

Valleys and Summits.  I guess that’s how we grow.  Thanks for listening : )