Flip It!

Not sure how this will flow, but possibly writing will clarify.  I’m currently in the process of “flipping it”.  Not sure what else to use to define it.  Something has finally seeped through to the point where I’m picking up on it has to start on the inside.  To be clearer – I have to love myself from within.  Within meaning my heart which is true compared to my head which is …well a whole other story.  Yes yes yes we all have heard this, but for me, I’m a very slow learner.

I’ve been watching and listening to all the traffic in my head and frankly, it ain’t too pretty and it’s not “me”.  It’s just noise I’ve allowed for whatever reasons to ramble on and on.  The kicker is it’s not me because the love I have within is not being conveyed at all.  Once I stopped grasping onto one of these silly thoughts and letting it suck me up for hours…life started to get better.  This is still a work in progress for sure, but now I either let the thoughts pass or just tell them fuck off that’s not true.

The “me” part of my heart is finally coming out of the shadows.  It’s like I’m back on Smith Drive, another post I did, and life is good…I’m good and there was no nonsense flying through my brain.  So from within I now whisper I am love.  I am good.  This probably sounds like a bunch of mumbo-jumbo, but how often has your brain been telling you just the opposite?? This helps me.  I start from within and then let it out.  Instead of being bombarded by the outside…society, work, monkey brain,…I’m trying to flip it and do the opposite.  I’m thinking of a turtle but that probably isn’t a great analogy.  It’s not like I’m going to ignore what’s happening outside of me, BUT I will choose how I will react from a whole new perspective.

I never realized how much bullshit I’ve let affect me, knock me down, and almost make me believe things that just aren’t true.  Just all made up in my small brain.

Fresh eyes.  Fresh heart.  Looking out from within.  We’ll see how this works out.  Stop re-Acting.  Start a new.

Feeling Senior

So I’m going to talk about my work situation and a little thing that keeps gnawing on me just to see if anyone else out there can relate a bit.  Excuse me why I lay down on the couch, so it’s easier to open up.

Okay doc…I’ve been working for a hospital as an application developer for twenty years now.  I started off building web applications/sites and now work on mobile applications.  About 6 years ago, we got acquired by another bigger hospital.  It was a great opportunity and I got to learn all new technologies.  Shortly after that, I got promoted to Senior Application Developer.

IMG_0773This is the part where it got a bit interesting.  In one way I did feel like with all my prior 12 years of development that “Senior” was justified, but the other side of this coin is I was a newbie learning a whole new coding language.  Since then we’ve hired new folks who have experience with newer technology and live and breath this stuff.  It’s all they want to talk about and at times expect me to know it all.  I don’t.  I’m 52 and when it’s 4 pm I shut off my laptop and have absolutely no desire to building servers at home or this or that around technology.  I’d rather be walking my dogs, hiking, reading, ..or drinking some brews listening to The Who on my porch.

So I’m feeling Senior as in OLD.  Like I can’t keep up with these little bots.  My manager and team never bring this up and I stil get all my work done on time.  It’s just something within me.   Like I’m not really qualified any more?  So let me sit up and ask this one question.

Has anyone out there ever felt this way?  How did you work through it???  While I wait for a response I’ll go flip the album on my stereo.


Maybe I’m senior as in Old School Baby!