The dragon is back. Currently noise and triggers within my mind is winning. Any breeze can toss me about with ease. A comment, a tone, an image, feeling,…be whatever strikes with intense precision brining me to my knees. Think Harry Potter with death eaters or dueling wands. Except I don’t even raise my wand.
It’s not a fun place to be. Shocked, offended, and surprised. There’s nowhere to run and hide, since everyone is pointing me out…or that’s how it seems.
If I could just reach my soul, I know I’ll have a chance.
…Depression just sucks. I thought I’d share my current spell with others just to let you know you’re not alone. I usually write about this after the fact when I kicked it’s ass, but thought being vulnerable and open may help me through and others. It feels so low and very cold where I can barely move in fear it strikes again and again.
Playing events out in my mind shine clues of how I’ve arrived here again. My defenses were nil – why – given my past ..no clue.
Writing it out helps connect some dots. No cries of poor Dwight please..that isn’t this intent.
The dragon is quiet. It’s time to form a new plan.
A huge voice is screaming don’t publish this you fool. You’re not anonymous! Another small faint voice says go ahead.
How does one quit alcohol? How does one walk away from it? What advice do you give someone when they ask these questions or start on this path?
I don’t know. I struggle a lot trying to provide helpful answers for others. All I know is what is working for me.
I grew up in a world where alcohol was peddled as The Answer for everything. I mean everything: shyness, depression, celebrations, courage, boredom… I gulped it down. So far down that these alcohol pathways in my mind became trenches. The problem with trenches is it’s very hard to see out of them. I was conditioned to blindly follow. It took me 40 years in the trench to figure out alcohol wasn’t the answer. In fact it was a liar because each usage never brought me satisfaction in the end. Yes, there was initial ups but they always always ducked out early and left me alone feeling worse from the consumption. Climbing out of a trench and forming new pathways is no easy task and takes much faith and bravery facing the unknown. All I can say is there is much light and many others living outside of the fog.
The body can only take so much abuse. Yes, it’s called alcohol abuse for a reason. The hangovers, bloodshot eyes, throwing up, bumping into things, blackouts, shaking, and brain fog is your body telling you Enough Already! Listen to it! How can this be a good thing for you? It’s NOT! Not for those of us who can’t stop after one drink. Listen to your body and don’t forget those horrific effects.
I no longer feel guilt or being ashamed that use to come each time after a binge session. Those feelings kept getting worse and more and more intense near the end. I truly feel my soul was shouting for god sakes man stop this nonsense. Give yourself a chance. I knew in my heart I wasn’t intended to live this life leaning on alcohol as a crutch. Today my Inner Voice glows with much love. I feel crisp, sharp, and alive. I feel true to myself. Even my bad days look so much brighter then before.
So that’s my trinity I use daily to stay sober one day at a time. It takes all three to keep me whole and To Remember where I came from and where I want to be.
I feel like that dad in a family that refuses to acknowledge for the longest time he has a huge problem in his home. It’s not like he’s unaware, it’s just “easier” to ignore it instead of facing it and admitting he helped cause much of the pain.
I admit at 54 I’ve been silent in my white world while black Americans are being discriminated on a daily basis and have sufferednumerous atrocities as a race.
Enough is enough. I come to this table admitting my part and am ready to be part of the solution. I start by saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being silent and not helping you as you have suffered in pain. I have not been the loving human I need to be. I preach so much above oneness-support-love, but when it’s truly needed right in front of me, I’ve failed to give it.
I know you’re grieving and angry. You have EVERY RIGHT to be. I have failed you in the past, but today I come to this table wanting to learn more and help you.