Mr. Hyde

The dragon is back.  Currently noise and triggers within my mind is winning.  Any breeze can toss me about with ease. A comment, a tone, an image, feeling,…be whatever strikes with intense precision brining me to my knees. Think Harry Potter with death eaters or dueling wands. Except I don’t even raise my wand.

It’s not a fun place to be. Shocked, offended, and surprised. There’s nowhere to run and hide, since everyone is pointing me out…or that’s how it seems.

If I could just reach my soul, I know I’ll have a chance.

…Depression just sucks. I thought I’d share my current spell with others just to let you know you’re not alone. I usually write about this after the fact when I kicked it’s ass, but thought being vulnerable and open may help me through and others. It feels so low and very cold where I can barely move in fear it strikes again and again.

Playing events out in my mind shine clues of how I’ve arrived here again. My defenses were nil – why – given my past clue.

Writing it out helps connect some dots. No cries of poor Dwight please..that isn’t this intent.

The dragon is quiet. It’s time to form a new plan.

A huge voice is screaming don’t publish this you fool. You’re not anonymous! Another small faint  voice says go ahead.

19 thoughts on “Mr. Hyde

  1. The small faint voice is the one to listen to. I’m glad you did. What I find most baffling and confounding every time I find myself in the monster’s grip is this: when I’m feeling small and looking up from that “black hole”, I feel as if I’ll never get out- and then, when I do get out, I feel as if I’ll never fall back in. No rhyme or reason how I get from one to the other. The only thing I’ve come to know is that it will change. Always. Where ever I am. And trying to avoid the judgement of this is good or this is bad. Thanks for your courage in sharing your vulnerability with us. Very difficult to do. And yes, you will help someone else to not feel so alone.💜

    Liked by 5 people

  2. I will just pass back the advice, Dwight. ‘Peace in, love out’. I just love that and have used it a lot since you sent it to me. Sometimes I find it much more powerful to write affirmations. It seems like more if a committal. Hope you feel better soon. 🤗

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  3. Hello, Dwight… I’m definitely on the team that believes the best way through is to say “Hey, I could use a hand (or a prayer or a walk)” and that being vulnerable takes a lot more guts than those popinjays who never admit to fear are the biggest pills out there.. So you utterly have this dragon beat all to hell, because you aren’t the only one giving it a thrashing. I myself am feeding a pesky and nuisance creating wee demon down it’s gullet. (It’s going in horns first 😈 ) Hang in there, friend, and pack up some of these hugs all scattered around. 🤗🤗🤗

    Liked by 1 person

  4. aww..just getting back on here and catching up..sorry to here your dragon is draggin’ you down. Unfortunately you are not alone these days. Many many many are going through this as we navigate this unnatural and horrific nightmare in the U. S. ( especially) and elsewhere. It’s beyond anything any of us ever expected, seems unending and for the who suffer depression in “normal” times, it just magnifies everything. I will be sending love and light and big hugs…

    Liked by 1 person

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