Fall update

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Fall!

I thought I’d provide an update on how all is going.  I started a Gerontology class about a month ago.  It goes for two semesters and I’ll end up with a certificate.  I’ve always been interested in working with the Aging and after reading Marc Freedman’s book, Encore:  Finding Work that Matters in the second half of life, I felt motivated to start looking into careers I could do that have a direct social “good” impact on humankind.  Over 25 years ago when I was in college,  I had made the decision to follow the money and go down the tech path even though back then I was interested in gerontology.  Now as I start looking for my second career,  I am in a position where I can explore different options that makes my soul smile.  It’s exciting.  It may not be for another 5 years,  but I thought why not explore now.  Marc’s book is a great read and I highly recommend it.  It’s about giving back to society and much much more.  Our generation hasn’t exactly made this planet a better place, but we still have time to leave a legacy we’re proud of.

I’m making good process on my emotional eating after getting sober.  I’m down approx. 15 pounds overall for the year.  It definitely has taken all the discipline I have, but more crucial looking into more of the Why I need “something” to escape my reality.  Understanding I’m not my thoughts and becoming the watcher has helped.   I’ve learned more about this with Michael Singer’s book, The Untethered Soul:  The Journey Beyond Yourself.  ….boy I’m plugging a lot of books,  eh :  )

Last month, was the last month for me paying maintenance and child support to my ex.  It’s probably a touchy topic for many who follow me, so I won’t be shooting off any fireworks.  Obviously, that frees up money that I now can put toward my debt.  As many of you know when I got divorced I had to get a loan from my mother, so I basically didn’t have to go bankrupt.  I’m happy to say that I’ll have that loan paid off at the end of November and be totally out of debt other than my house payment.  This is a whole new concept for me being debt-free.  Crazy how long it has taken me to figure it all out.  I’m 53.  I guess it’s not really crazy.  I’m a slow learner and always learn the hard way.

I just opened my I’m Done Drinking app and it reads I’ve been sober 234 days.  Things are going well on that front.  I don’t have cravings and am enjoying the clarity and hangover-free mornings.  You have to understand though it took me over 40 years to quit. I stopped, started,  repeated…many many times.  This year though it finally came to the point of being done for good and not looking back.  I cheer anyone who is on this journey!!!

That’s about it.  Been loving up the fall and getting out on hikes.  I feel like I’m supposed to be getting more social, but that push is more like a “living up to society” requirement and not one of my own right now.  We’ll see….

 

Sending Loving Vibes,

Dwight

Imagine

Imagine if we all tapped into the greatest resource we have on this planet. It’s so basic, but oh so powerful. I often think we over complicate trying to find solutions to humankind issues we are facing, while within all of us we hold the key.

Grow it.

Spread it.

BEAUTIFUL LOVE.

Cleansing

Woke at 5:30.

Cranked up some Tom Petty.

Did a deep cleaning of the bathroom and kitchen.

Feeling great! Happy Monday folks😊

Be kind to yourself and have a great week❤️

Dwight

*Anybody else get a bit of a pick me up after cleaning? For me getting going is hard, but as I start seeing progress it gets a little motivating. Kinda like life?

Me, Suicide Attempt, and an Emotional Breakdown

Me

So I’m going to talk about a couple of life events that many men who have experienced don’t usually open up about. Most just stoically hide it deeply within multiple layers hoping it will just go away. For me, that only leads to more men thinking they aren’t “man enough” when the depression/I don’t fit in dragon shows up. Many men don’t show or express their fears or emotions with other men. Why you might be asking would I want to? This is my attempt to take a small bite out of this disservice and hopefully inspire others to open up and more importantly to find freedom to JUST BE.

Suicide Attempt

I was 16 years old when I attempted suicide. There had been no horrible event that pushed me nor no problems with my family upbringing. I was just depressed obviously to the point of no longer wanting to live. I didn’t feel like I fit in with everyone else and was just faking it by putting on a smile each day. My self confidence was at an all time low. I’d stop participating in sports and just came home every day and basically went to bed right after dinner. One night I had had enough and took 100 Tylenol pills and laid down to go sleep hoping I’d never have to suffer another day on this earth. As I laid there my heart was beating almost out of my chest. I tried to fall asleep, but it just wouldn’t happen. Something was not going to allow this. Call it God, Spirit, or maybe just my Soul which is the same thing was saying get up. This is all foggy memories but I remember waking my dad and telling him. My mom was working. One memory that stands out is us speeding to the hospital across town and me looking over at my father who had tears running down his cheek and the most love and sorrow in his eyes. Having my own children I now know that truest love.

I got pumped out and set home. The docs and my parents wanted to send me the “funny farm” and being a 16 year old male I’d have none of that. I went to see a shrink a couple of times and it then it was basically dropped and no longer openly discussed. My parents I’m sure walked on egg shells hoping no further attempts would be taken and also doing their best at the time unfortunately rewarded me with a sports car and more freedom then any teen should be allowed. Living in a small town I’m sure most people were aware, but nobody ever brought it up. I basically hid it deep within and started partying like I was in college and no longer cared what people thought of me.

Emotional Breakdown

Fast forward to when I was 51. Recently divorced from the love of my life and my best friend. I won’t speak to much about the divorce since my identity is public and I want to respect my kids and ex. To say it was earth shattering would be a disservice. It was the lowest I’ve been since back at 16. The first year after the divorce I was just numb, going through the emotions, and faking it. Yet again my self confidence and self worth was gone. In my eyes I was the biggest failure on fucking earth. I’ll always remember my young daughter crying and screaming no no! Inside I was doing the same. After the first year of being divorced I couldn’t fake it any longer. All I wanted to do was sleep and escape the pain. One morning I called into work sick, hung up, and then setup an appointment to meet with a counselor. This was via a program my work provided. I knew it was time to ask for help. I was granted a leave of absence of 6 weeks. I saw the counselor weekly, met with a shrink, tried a church, and got a shamanic healing and learned how to journey. I wasn’t healed after 6 weeks, but I was in a better place to start functioning in life again. I’m so thankful for my boss for sticking up for me and supporting me. Interesting enough I didn’t tell my best friends or loved ones. Another stupid male trait.

Now

These experiences I don’t wish on anyone, but I am learning how to grow from them. Empathy has become a very prominent part of my living. I’ve gotten closer to my kids too. I had to tell them about my suicide attempt when they were teens just because of my past. That was one of the hardest things to do. I was taught dads should be strong and invincible. I don’t really know how to wrap this up and really I don’t want to wrap it up right? That’s what us males do so well. I know I just touched on suicide and depression but it’s a continued start of me being vulnerable and free. The only way to grow is to hold your breath, be vulnerable, and release your breath. It’s sent out and what I know is Love comes gushing in❤️

If anyone wants to talk more about these topics privately you can email me at HydeD66@gmail.com.

Sending love to all of you,

Dwight

Slow down!

It’s interesting how one sentence from a previous blog inspires a whole new entry.

I’ve been hearing more and more about this concept of slowing down, do the work, put in the time, and if then and only then will the progress come. In the last week I picked up on it from Dave Ramsey to GaryVee. I hadn’t put to much thought to it, but after listening it goes against everything we’ve been taught in these times. Here in the States we want things fast and easy. Give me that McMansion home, BMW, and oh yah let’s add I want be an entrepreneur straight out of college making over a million…And I want it NOW! This is just part of our crazy Facebook perfect collective conscious beaming consumerism media machines. That was a mouth full.

You may be asking what does any of that have to do with us? I’m taking the liberty of saying us because I feel we all are much the same. Who out of all of you wouldn’t want to go to a few counseling sessions and poof all your depression is cured? We know it doesn’t work that way, but every time it comes we beat ourselves up and treat ourselves as failures if it sticks around for days or weeks. How about instead of taking years to finally get sober we could pop a pill and the next day we’re dancing on the pink cloud. While we’re at let’s get on the latest diet, join the gym, and within 30 days drop 100 pounds and be crushing it!

Sounds pretty darn silly, but I can admit I’ve subjected myself to this unrealistic thinking at times. I see others who make it look so simple that I feel like a loser. The thing is most success doesn’t come without putting in hard work consistently for a very very very long time. Nobody wants to wait for two years to get down to a certain size and healthy lifestyle that has turned into a habit. Nobody wants to grind it out for 7 years to be that successful business owner. And nobody wants to wait many years, like 10, before buying their first house like their parents did. We’d rather apply for credit, buy the house, and go instantly into debt for the rest of our life and never have any options of leaving the rat race.

It takes years for us to realize our own bullshit. It’s been fed to us daily that we no longer question it. What if…what if we took a step back, slowed down, and got real with ourselves? How much work/actions have we taken to fight our particular dragon? Did we fight real hard for 30 days and then after our first failure we just said ah well that’s just the way it is for me?

What if we picked just one of our dragons be it alcohol, depression, health, debt, or whatever and came up with an action plan to move forward just a tiny bit everyday? Instead of getting discouraged we just move slower, get up each time after failures, and know we are making progress. Wouldn’t this be a much kinder realistic approach for ourselves? These dragons can’t be slayed easily. No way around it.

Do the work! We need to do the work each day slowly and consistently. Also, and this is very important, be kind to yourself always.

I forget this sometimes and I know you do to. We are all beautiful capable souls that are intended to shine.

Shine!

Dwight