Six Months Sober

I thought 6 months of being sober after drinking for 40 years warranted a post. Plus I thought for those starting down this path that hopefully there may be some information that would resonate with what their experiencing. When I quit drinking I was more then ready. There was much guilt the day after a binge session plus way to many hangovers. I knew it wasn’t healthy for me in any fashion at all. There was also my soul laying down a slow steady bass beat in the background of give yourself a chance Dwight. At 53, I had been leaning on alcohol since I was 13. I had so many Day Ones I couldn’t even count. But this time around I was truly onboard.

I started my sobriety 3 plus years out from my divorce after being married for 16 years with two kids. I was making some progress on digesting that whole crushing scene plus I had less then 1 year left on paying off $35,5000 in debt. Coming up out of those low valleys encouraged me to take on my alcohol dragon. My first month of being sober I pumped myself up by reading tons of books on quitting alcohol. Reading everyone’s story with eventually happy endings definitely helped push me along. It was like when you first start off on a new job or exercise program your all jazzed and usually surrounded by other like minded people. I joined a forum and just immersed myself into this new world of how to be sober. I didn’t go down the AA route because for me I have my own hang ups with religion and the 12 steps. That’s just me though. I’ve read many books and follow many bloggers where it works for them and I fricken applaud them. The one book for me that really helped with the transition was by Annie Grace called This Naked Mind. I’ll do anther post on that someday. So yeah, the first month I was cleaning out my body from the poison and feeling pretty darn excited.

At about at 3 weeks the “glitz” wasn’t shining as much.  The realization came that I no longer had my tool to escape from reality.  All of my main issues around depression, debt, divorce, health, insecurities…. were still there plus now I was feeling guilt on how alcohol had harmed me for all those years.  Also, I had to back away from the sober community I joined, because seeing so many folks repeat day 1 over and over was almost like a trigger for me and I certainly didn’t want to go down that path anymore.  What I did do though is start following some sober bloggers here in WordPress who had been successful being sober for some time and that has helped me tremendously.

I won’t go month by month but needless to say it’s a shit load of hard work!  Hard work that I’m so grateful for!!  Not being able to check out when life or my thoughts start fucking with me was extremely difficult.  Just sitting there and finally for once in my life just looking straight at it and dealing with it sober took everything I had.  The good news is I’m getting better at it and each time I feel a bitter better about myself and I’ll just say it – Proud!

One thing I learned was that many of us who stop drinking including myself pick other  coping mechanisms.  Mine was emotional eating and I’m currently working my ass off , literally, on curbing that.  This inner work is a trip and the ego is a nasty little fuck!

So at 6 months I’m feeling so much more love for myself and know I’ll never go back.  My soul is smiling more each day and my confidence is growing. The support and bonding here on WordPress is just priceless.  I know I still have a lot of work to do, but now I’m taking control of my life,  living my life sober, and discovering a new power within.  I hope that for all of you.

* For those interested in learning more about alcohol and possibly exploring going AF check out these resources and blogs

  1. Read This Naked Mind by Annie Grace
  2. https://www.thisnakedmindcommunity.com
  3. https://learn.thisnakedmind.com/the-alcohol-experiment-registration
  4. https://functioningguzzler.wordpress.com
  5. https://untipsyteacher.com
  6. https://sobrietytree.com
  7. http://bumpyyear.blog
  8. https://storminawineglass.com

Motivation:

LIVE YOUR LIFE LIKE YOU’RE THE HERO IN YOUR MOVIE – Joe Rogan FightMediocrity

It’s never to late. I’m making this my fucking comeback story and YES for once I’m the Hero!!!

If you have questions or comments you don’t want to post here you can always email me at dwight@FadedJeansLiving,com

Thank you for reading and your support!

Beyond the Like

PhotoByBob

2018.  I don’t usually go down the whole new year resolutions path, but this year I have a calling that won’t shut up.  It says…Get off the fence!  Speak up!  Your voice counts and now the time is right to put yourself out there a bit.  Stop hiding Dwight HYDE : ).

So what is the calling you may ask?  Still trying to figure it all out, but basically I believe it’s to share my heart with others.  I’ve sat alone and read/heard so many stories from beautiful souls that just makes my heart break open and the tears flowing.  At those times I realize there is so much love inside that’s just waiting to come out.  Crazy.  51 years old and I’m a big old sap.  I guess the work I’ve been doing on getting back in touch with ME has opened this new door.  I’m not complaining and now is the time to take action.

I’m drawn to respond to others beyond the basic thumbs up Like.  I want to get past that to a new level where the other person knows  –> I dig you, I dig what you wrote and how you are currently feeling.  I get you.  YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!  I’m also trying to connect more with men who sometimes hide their feelings and spread this message especially to them.

I know for myself when I’ve wrote something from my heart and put it out there that I’m always touched when others respond with love.   I’m not trying to get likes – I’m trying to grow and truly connect and so far have been so happy with the results.  I feel people want REAL stories of the good, bad, and the ugly.  It’s f’n reality.  Not this bullshit “News” put out by the media to get more clicks..more advertisement revenue.  People want to connect and man we really do have more in common then what the news presents.  We all suffer, get depressed, and are all trying to figure it all out for sure.  I’ve been so depressed in the past I didn’t want live anymore.  I’ve been so depressed that I couldn’t get out bed and had to take 6 weeks off of work to start working on my mental health.  I’ve been so far in debt that at the age of 49 I had to ask my mother for a loan.  I’ve been through a divorce after 16 years of marriage when I still wanted to be married.  Real shit.  No shit.  And I know there are many others out there and that’s why I’m pushing myself out of my comfort zone and speaking out…Beyond the Like.

So, for those who enjoy my rambling post like this one – Thank You – and expect to see more comments from me.

I dig you!!

 

Once you go Fez you never go Back

This is Fez a 2005 Scion xA.  I didn’t even know what a Scion xA was until the day I took my daughter Allie out car hunting for her first car.  She was dead set on learning how to drive on a manual, even though I told her they are a pain in the ass.  We drove around the Springs looking and finally came across this gem.  The price was right and she loved it.  Okay she loved it then, but after many hours learning to drive manual in a church parking lot, she finally confessed she was no longer in love with Fez : (

We talked about it and decided the best thing to do was to sell it.  No sense having a car you don’t enjoy especially your very first car.  I spent a couple days cleaning, waxing, and getting it ready to sell on craigslist.  Something slowly happened during that process and I started to get a bit attached to old Fez.  That’s what Allie had named it.  I started thinking about it more and more.  At the time I had my 2000 Chevy truck plus my 2009 Subaru Impreza.  My truck was… ah my truck.  I had used it quite a bit in the past for remodels and rental type work, but lately it was just used for fun little cruises to Walmart and back home.  I enjoyed rolling down the windows and cruising around town.  And as far as my Subaru went it was old dependable.  Great in the snow, fun to drive, and a very sensible car to own in Colorado.

What got me thinking about keeping Fez was I was still making payments on my Subaru of $310 monthly and paying about $60 a month on the truck for insurance even though I hardly even drove it.  Now if you know my current situation you know I’m digging myself out of debt..  a lot of debt.  Fez was already paid for and not having to pay an extra $370 for bills started to actually make financial sense.  Now there’s something that doesn’t come out my mouth to often – financial sense.  Why was I making a $310 car payment each month when I’m in debt?  It seemed like the logical thing to do at the time.  I’ve got two kids and we needed a dependable car.

The things is though I don’t even commute to work I work from home!  Maybe it also had to do with what would “society” think of this divorced dad driving around in a clown car piece of shit.  Well that thinking didn’t really help me make my $310 monthly payments did it?  The more I drove Fez the bigger the smile I got on my face.  Yes it was small.  Yes it looked like a clown car, but you know what I realized I could be smiling all the way to the bank and pay off my debt along the way.  I don’t know why I didn’t listen to Dave Ramsey 2 years ago and just sell my shit and buy a car I could afford.

As you can see  I’m still learning as I grow!

“Once you go Fez you never go back” – from That 70s Show

Bob Wells – Living in a van

I haven’t posted in quite some time, but all seems to be moving according to my soul’s plan. I’m not beating myself up as much and joy and content are growing and growing.  I had a  good summer hiking and even got to do a cool backpacking trip up to Devil’s playground on the back side of Pikes Peak!  The hike was brutal, but days later I just had a big grin on my face.  I did it and loved it!!  I slept out under the moon above tree line.  I’ve come to realize nature with exercise is my therapy.

Okay so what’s all this business about Bob Wells and living in a van?  Well you know all about the saying that the teacher will appear when the student is ready?  For the longest time my son Bob had telling me about some folks he follows on YouTube who live in vans and travel.  I started checking them out and came across this guy named Bob Wells.  He’s been living in a van for the last 15 years.  What interested me about Bob was after his divorce he was pretty down like myself and really didn’t have many options for housing and decided to live in a box van.  It was just fasinating learning more about him and his life.  I could relate at so many levels.

Two things that resonated with me from Bob is the concept of Comfort vs Freedom and being out in nature.  Bob says that the more comfort we have in our life the less freedom we have.  I’ve got the video below so you can learn more.  Even though he’s comparing it from living in a big RV to a van…think of it as living in house or renting a house compared to simplifying and living in a smaller environment.  It just makes so much sense to me on so many levels.  It’s so crazy we buy into purchasing a house on a 30 year slaved mortgage and also buying vehicles that drain our budgets.  These are 2 of our biggest expenses in life and we often don’t even questions them.  I say start questioning them!!

The other piece was being out in nature.  As I said I’m learning nature has such a calming affect on me and beats any pill I can take for happiness.  In one of Bob’s videos I believe he mentioned some mental health counselors have even suggested some patients to hit the open road and camp out in national forest, BLM, disperse camping, …boon docking!

It’s so interesting to me that when we are young we don’t have a lot of “stuff” and are so content.  Then comes adulthood and we start accumulating more and more stuff, but we are no longer content.  When retirement comes though we start seeing more and more people downsizing and simplifying their lives. Why do we go through this exercise of accumulating and accruing debt and having less freedom in our working years?

Anyway you can tell I’m jazzed about this van life and that hasn’t happened in a long time to be excited over something.  Now all I can think about is when I can I sell all my shit and hit the highway.  Yes there is a lot of planning and considerations to be made – but it’s one exciting option I’m going to explore!!

Here’s some links to learn more about this lifestyle and Bob:

YouTube Channel:  https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAj7O3LCDbkIR54hAn6Zz7A

Comfort vs Freedom:  https://youtu.be/i-_Bw83SvYI

Website:  http://www.cheaprvliving.com

Book:    How to Live in a Car, Van or RV–And Get Out of Debt, Travel and Find True Freedom.   https://www.amazon.com/Live-RV-Debt-Travel-Freedom-ebook/dp/B008S129XY/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=1507914203&sr=1-1

 

 

 

 

Canceled the $1,495.39 Furniture Order

furnitureorder

Some of you may be wondering what I was thinking in the first-place ordering $1,495 in new furniture when I’m in debt?  Oh ..my my my.  Consumer impulse at its finest sprinkled in with some society norm crap.  For some reason, I woke up one day and realized my mother was going to be spending Christmas with me.  This will be the first time she’s been to my current home since my divorce last year.   Needless to say, to anybody who’s been through divorce I’m currently financially challenged and my home reflects that completely.  I got the old beat up furniture and even use an outdoor wired table for my son’s bedside table.  So, crazy society programmed brain took over and off I went to the great American buy new shit cheap store.  Within 30 minutes I had picked out 4 bedside tables, 1 couch, 1 love seat, 1 end table, and 5 lamps.  Bam!  Broke out the card, signed, and set up delivery for the next week.   Momma bear would be comfortable and not be worrying about her boy.    

It was this past Saturday and the furniture store was pushing for a delivery for Monday.  Thank god I asked it to be delivered tomorrow (Thursday), because it would of been real hard to return and cancel the order otherwise.  Now I guess I know why they want to deliver as soon as possible.   Other then you thinking this was a stupid idea given my debt situation your probably wondering what made me cancel the order?  To be honest it was exciting thinking I could walk in the house and have some new STUFF and friends and family would have a place to sit comfortably.  As the days went by I guess I started worrying about the new debt and then I stumbled upon an article How to become sustainable even if you think your’re too busy (http://gatesinteriordesign.com/become-sustainable-even-think-youre-busy/)  by  Amanda Gates on twitter @GatesInteriors .  The article also has a podcast with her friend Julie Kearns of the Shop Junket.  It basically described me going out to buy cheap shit that has no real soul value for my life and how it’s the “norm” to do what everyone else does.  It so struck a chord that it snapped me out of my crazy brain. 

I’m still always amazed when messages just come out of nowhere and resonate with you so much to make you stop and adjust.  To Amanda and Julie I have to give you a very big THANK YOU!!  I’ve decided mom will be much happier knowing I’m paying down my debt and probably respect me more for that fact.  Also, I’ve decided I don’t need to buy into what everyone else does or what everyone else has.  I AM the Dwightness of Source and I got my own path.  So, no new furniture for me right now.  Got great ideas from Amanda and Julie on going to reuse stores, reusing items, and taking care of what I own.  I highly recommend checking out the article and podcast at  http://gatesinteriordesign.com/become-sustainable-even-think-youre-busy/.

Peace my fellow learners as you Grow!!

Adjusting

compassI’m learning as I grow that it’s okay to adjust along the way.  Prior to this I’d commit to something and that was that.  I’d follow it through no matter what.  No matter if it still didn’t resonate with my soul.  I just won’t do that anymore.  This blog is a great example.  It started off being a debt blog and I was all fired up, but as time progressed I found myself wanting to blog about more than just debt.  I had ideas and thoughts that just didn’t always fit into that category.  I also found myself following many other debt bloggers on Twitter and to be quite honest the whole “debt thing” started to exhaust me.  It was like that was all there was in my life and that is so not true.  I made a decision to adjust and realign with what is currently working in my life.  This blog won’t focus predominately on debt, but rather on all areas of my life that I want to share or that help me to grow.  I got rid of my @jeanliving Twitter account and just post all my entries now to @DwightHyde twitter account.  I also removed some of my more personal debt entries from this blog, because that wasn’t working for me anymore.  By expanding beyond just debt I feel fortunate to be able to connect to many other souls who love to discuss their journeys in life.

Another area of my life that I’ve made a small adjustment is my spiritual practice in regards to church.  Just like with debt I jumped right into becoming a member of a local church.  I attended “religiously” and signed up for many classes.  As time went on I found on certain Sundays I just didn’t feel like going but would still push myself to go due to my old commitment conditioning.  Lately though I just go when it feels right in my soul.  Sometimes I can connect better to Source by going out on a walk on Sunday morning then attending church.  Neither is more right or more wrong – it just is.

For me it’s okay to adjust as long as I’m learning and growing along the way.  I can admit it’s not always easy, but when I’m true with myself life seems to flow easier!

What’s truly behind that $DEBT?

 

Curious
It’s 1:42 AM as I draft this entry. I couldn’t sleep and started to think about everyone who went or is going down the path of paying off debt.  Out of all those folks what else was going on in their life when the decided that process.  Was it just a desire to focus on paying off debt finally or in combination of a whole new self-improvement journey?   Were they forced to finally face the debt?  Or maybe some other life event came along and paying off debt was a response to that?  Maybe they just decided to simplify their life?  It seems like we focus so much on the amount of debt we owe along with the process of how to pay it off, and we don’t stop and try to figure out how we got to that point.

Behind my $DEBT
I am divorced and have two kids who are teenagers.  I have my son every other week and my daughter off and on.  Right now I have both kids at my house and for me that is a huge joy.  When my daughter comes she brings her two dog’s Boris and Daisy.  My little 1,000 sq. ft. house is full and I love it that way.   It’s time like this that make me really appreciated my life and the time I can spend with them.  I noticed though when I found out I would be having both of them stay I went out and kind of went overboard at the grocery store.  Okay I went way overboard and above my budget.  It was like I was making purchases for us to have enjoyment or something along those lines.  It reminded me of how I use to justify moving into new houses or taking on big expensive remodel jobs.  Even though I now have a budget and future allocations that I need to fund – old habits kicked in.

Obviously after my divorce my finances were impacted, but it was more of facing up to who I had become and where I wanted to go now.  I’m sure you’ve all read that shit happens for a reason and some of us need to get hit over the head – that was me.  What I’m realizing was I was living in a stagnant pond trying not to change or move…just play it safe.  I believe I had gotten to that point because I had very little self-love that goes way back to growing up.  It was almost like I was buying love/happiness into my life with the remodels, rentals, and continually moving into another house.  I bring this up so you too can think about what is truly hiding behind the debt in your life or for that matter anything else you want change.  For me I believe we can make progress short term with “budgets, tools,  plans…”  but if you don’t change the way you think and feel from within then the progress doesn’t last long.  Remember it’s okay to stumble.  You are learning as you grow and it get’s easier as you open!!!

FadedJeansLivingBackground

Breathe it in  – Today’s a new  wonderful day!

What life events surround your debt journey?   What is one belief in yourself that may have caused debt as a byproduct?  Beyond all the top 10 lists on how to pay off debt what is one thing you are working on from within that may improve the symptom?

Being Grateful
I’m grateful I have been given this change to allow my soul to guide me on my journey to unfold.