Being an adult is hard!

Yep.  Being an adult is hard!!!  Especially after  being spoon fed the great consumer marketing campaign from birth.  I want I want….I deserve I deserve…

Ego:  I want that cold piece of pizza for breakfast.  It’s right there.  It’s easy.

Soul:  Shut the hell up.  That shit is not the way you want to start off your day.  Tons of processed ingredients not mention the calories.  Grow the hell up.

 

Ego:  But this afternoon we’re going to swill a truck load of beer.  You deserve it man.  Little Zepplin playing, some sun and fun brother!

Soul:  Shut the hell up!  Yah yah yah.  You escape for maybe an hour and then the poison kicks in and not only are you more depressed, you’ve blown a whole afternoon getting wasted, and in about 6 hour you’ll wake up from your drunk slumber and will be hungover and regretting your drunken actions.  More guilt.  Nope.  Not going to happen.

 

Ego:  Okay.  Okay.  But lets go buy something.  You could really use a newer vehicle.  You’re driving a 1992 Jeep Cherokee for gods sake.  Have you seen the vehicles in the high school students parking lot lately.  They’re driving 2018 vehicles that blow yours away and they are teenagers!!

Soul:  Shut the hell up!  I’ve heard and experienced  all of your lies on how “things” will make me happier.  They fucking don’t!  All they do is steal my hard earned money.  Not going to happen.  I’m working smarter now and I don’t need things!!

 

Ego:  Man!  Easy easy.  Okay.  Okay.  You’re right.  You are right!  I’ve been wrong, all along, and you have your shit together.  I mean look at you.  You’ve been working so hard and doing everything right.  Lets reward our self.  You deserve it.  How about we just lay around this weekend and take it easy.

Soul:  Shut the hell up!  I know what you’re trying to do.  We got work to do and as soon as I stop doing my daily habits all hell breaks loose in my life all because of you and your bullshit.  We’re getting off our ass and getting er done.  You hear me!!!

 

Ego:  You shut the hell up!  You’re ugly, lazy, in debt, will be lonely forever with no women in site!  Your life is a big waste and you my friend are pathetic!  I’m just trying to help you.

Soul:  I’m sorry you are so scared.  I know you see me getting stronger and healthier and it feels like you are getting shoved out.  I can no longer listen to your nonsense.  I was intended into the universe by a great power and that’s all I need to know.  I was meant to be here.  I was meant to shine.  I was meant to bring my “dwightness” to this world and that’s what I’m going to do.  You can either work with me or go away.

 

It’s hard to be an adult, but it’s so worth it.  Love never fails.  Grow up and start loving yourself!  You are worthy!!

 

*It’s a bit interesting my last name is Hyde.  Yes, a bit of Jekyll and Hyde today for your reading pleasure : )

Reaching the Summit 2:13 AM

To almost come to the end only to discover beyond the peak is yet another.

I feel a bit let down at this false summit, but in reality it isn’t that bit of a surprise.

Turning around to view my route I do swell up with ah and pride on the distanced traveled.

Broken open as I often say from my cocoon like a caterpillar discovering a whole new world with wings.

But as i turn back to the trail the new summit comes more and more into focus.

Standing here I realize I have opened up and let love in and out..But.

It’s at a point where I’ve regulated it to such a perfected level that is completely safe.

Dialed up, down, and in.

Have I created a new cocoon?

I have.

I’m scared as hell to lay myself out there to be rejected and hurt.

I’m scared as hell to hurt someone as I’ve been hurt.

I’m scared as hell looking up to where I must go.

It’s one thing to give and receive love on one level.

Quite another thing to open up wider and go deeper.

Will it be different this time?

To hold another hand.

To kiss another.

To slowly take down my veils.

To stand naked.

To become one.

It’s been so so long since that door has been open.

I know exactly where I’m at.

It’s comfortable right where I’m at in my new controlled cocoon.

It’s safe and easy.

And that scares the shit out of me.

That’s where I had been broken open  many miles back.

The signs are all here.

The tiny flashes and bits of sparks.

I’m scared as hell, but know I’m being pulled toward this new summit.

Do I have the courage?

How could I not?

It was gifted at birth.

Meant to be.

To soar!

I’m still  scared…

But I think it may be time.

12:41 AM Train Departed

it’s her train even if you think not

you indeed will pay a price

with or without cause

no time for repairs

you will eventually be tossed

she looks the other way

as she greets a new passenger

you crash roll and fall further and further down

the roar of the engine fades

you pick yourself uP

she though is still forced to stay on the tracks

there’s a strict schedule you realize

more lessons must be taught

Question

How come it’s easier to write out our feelings to the whole world to read, but every day we hold them tightly to our chest when we are with those who love us?

A few weeks ago I met up with an old friend I hadn’t seen for over 20 years.  I did something I don’t usually do and instead of just saying yes life has been interesting these last few years,  I was honest and said it sucked!!  I told her all about the bad and the ugly and yes I was scared, but I was no longer going to hide “me”.  I think she was a bit shocked at my honesty and I guess in a way so was I.  I even told her about this blog and gave her the link.  People will say you need to be careful Dwight.  You shouldn’t do this with xxx, or be careful discussing this type of stuff with xxx.  To all of that, I say – F it!  If they want to judge so be it.  I don’t need that in my life anyway.

Some will always live in the matrix.  I did for a very very long time.

Others have discovered what’s casting shadows inside the cave and have found the courage to get up, face the shadows, take the shackles off,  and be Free again!  (Plato’s Cave)

***Picture is Boris – He’s always real around me – I love him for that***

 

 

Tears

1:45 AM.  I just had one of those cries that just bursts out.  I don’t try holding it in because I know it has its purpose and needs to come.  I do that cry where you actual whimper like a baby and the tears gush.  I let it come.  I let it flow.  I know I need it.  The mind can try as it will to try to create a safe all is good world, but your soul will not remain silent.

I ask myself afterwards what was that all about?  After 16 years of marriage, it’s hard to not only lose the love of your life but to also lose your best friend.  My soul still remembers even though my minds says come on all already it’s been quite sometime now.  The hardest part is knowing the person had made this choice.  It wasn’t  as bad as it may sound that they died and I was left behind.  No they made the choice and told me to my face.  That’s hard.  I acknowledge it, felt it, and hence the tears.

Hard.  The oppostite of soft.  Indeed from this brought a softness I would of never found a few years ago.  My heart was broken.  Blown up.  But broken open and that is something I treasure coming out of that storm.  I can admit the hardness of it all and as I said I don’t fight it.

I also know the softness like a hand grasping a rock.  Both together hard and soft.  Tears came hard but feel soft.  A little sad.  A little happy.  I know I’m growing and know it was the way meant to be.

Deep breaths.  Empathy.  Love never fails, and I can honestly say I love me!