Halfway through 2019. Mr. Bull has a few words.

Well you’re probably saying to yourself that’s a hell of a way to start a post! I couldn’t agree more. As promised, I posted a few weeks ago this quote that really resonated with me and said a future post on it is coming.

“I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person in question finally getting sick of their own bullshit.”

– Elizabeth Gilbert

So being we’re halfway through 2019, I’m going to call out some of my bullshit in areas in my life I’m supposedly working on. This post isn’t intended by any means to get loving don’t beat yourself up Dwight comments. In fact any get off your ass comments would be much appreciated and much respected!!

Here goes in no special order the things I wanted to make process on this year:

Lose 25 pounds

Mr. Bull: That’s Bullshit! You haven’t committed to one diet or plan of attack. You got Oreos in the fridge and junk food in the cupboards. When the hell are you going to bust a move on this? You can fricken do it if you just put your mind to it and tell that tummy to chilllll.

Get fit

Mr. Bull: That’s Bullshit! You have consistently been inconsistent on your workouts. You know what to do and have the tools to use. Start way way small and start building up a routine.

Get more social (like in person)

Mr. Bull: That’s Bullshit! You’ve had maybe 4 social outings this year. You haven’t pushed yourself in this area at all. You stay home in your comfort zone wishing for friends you can do things with. I know it’s “hard” for you, but come on man so is being lonely. Believe it or not there are people out there that are looking for the same things you are – real friends.

Battle my dragons (depression)

Mr. Bull: That’s Bullshit! You started off the year great taking on the fight and even documenting some of the tools here, BUT again you’re not using these tool in a daily practice as you KNOW that’s what it takes.

There’s probably more but to be honest I’m quite tired of all this bullshitūü§™. Come the end of 2019 I’m go to make big gains in these areas and tell Mr. Bull to go frick off and don’t come back.

Any other bullshitters out there? Let’s get it done and motivate each other.

Hell Yah,

Dwight

* Reminder – you can’t be kind or give Mr. Bull an inch!

Being an adult is hard!

Yep.¬† Being an adult is hard!!!¬†¬†Especially after¬† being spoon fed the great consumer marketing campaign from birth.¬† I want I want….I deserve I deserve…

Ego:¬† I want that cold piece of pizza for breakfast.¬† It’s right there.¬† It’s easy.

Soul:  Shut the hell up.  That shit is not the way you want to start off your day.  Tons of processed ingredients not mention the calories.  Grow the hell up.

 

Ego:¬† But this afternoon we’re going to swill a truck load of beer.¬† You deserve it man.¬† Little Zepplin playing, some sun and fun brother!

Soul:¬† Shut the hell up!¬† Yah yah yah.¬† You escape for maybe an hour and then the poison kicks in and not only are you more depressed, you’ve blown a whole afternoon getting wasted, and in about 6 hour you’ll wake up from your drunk slumber and will be hungover and regretting your drunken actions.¬† More guilt.¬† Nope.¬† Not going to happen.

 

Ego:¬† Okay.¬† Okay.¬† But lets go buy something.¬† You could really use a newer vehicle.¬† You’re driving a 1992 Jeep Cherokee for gods sake.¬† Have you seen the vehicles in the high school students parking lot lately.¬† They’re driving 2018 vehicles that blow yours away and they are teenagers!!

Soul:¬† Shut the hell up!¬† I’ve heard and experienced¬† all of your lies on how “things” will make me happier.¬† They fucking don’t!¬† All they do is steal my hard earned money.¬† Not going to happen.¬† I’m working smarter now and I don’t need things!!

 

Ego:¬† Man!¬† Easy easy.¬† Okay.¬† Okay.¬† You’re right.¬† You are right!¬† I’ve been wrong, all along, and you have your shit together.¬† I mean look at you.¬† You’ve been working so hard and doing everything right.¬† Lets reward our self.¬† You deserve it.¬† How about we just lay around this weekend and take it easy.

Soul:¬† Shut the hell up!¬† I know what you’re trying to do.¬† We got work to do and as soon as I stop doing my daily habits all hell breaks loose in my life all because of you and your bullshit.¬† We’re getting off our ass and getting er done.¬† You hear me!!!

 

Ego:¬† You shut the hell up!¬† You’re ugly, lazy, in debt, will be lonely forever with no women in site!¬† Your life is a big waste and you my friend are pathetic!¬† I’m just trying to help you.

Soul:¬† I’m sorry you are so scared.¬† I know you see me getting stronger and healthier and it feels like you are getting shoved out.¬† I can no longer listen to your nonsense.¬† I was intended into the universe by a great power and that’s all I need to know.¬† I was meant to be here.¬† I was meant to shine.¬† I was meant to bring my “dwightness” to this world and that’s what I’m going to do.¬† You can either work with me or go away.

 

It’s hard to be an adult, but it’s so worth it.¬† Love never fails.¬† Grow up and start loving yourself!¬† You are worthy!!

 

*It’s a bit interesting my last name is Hyde.¬† Yes, a bit of Jekyll and Hyde today for your reading pleasure : )

Reaching the Summit 2:13 AM

To almost come to the end only to discover beyond the peak is yet another.

I feel a bit let down at this false summit, but in reality it isn’t that bit of a surprise.

Turning around to view my route I do swell up with ah and pride on the distanced traveled.

Broken open as I often say from my cocoon like a caterpillar discovering a whole new world with wings.

But as i turn back to the trail the new summit comes more and more into focus.

Standing here I realize I have opened up and let love in and out..But.

It’s at a point where I’ve regulated it to such a perfected level that is completely safe.

Dialed up, down, and in.

Have I created a new cocoon?

I have.

I’m scared as hell to lay myself out there to be rejected and hurt.

I’m scared as hell to hurt someone as I’ve been hurt.

I’m scared as hell looking up to where I must go.

It’s one thing to give and receive love on one level.

Quite another thing to open up wider and go deeper.

Will it be different this time?

To hold another hand.

To kiss another.

To slowly take down my veils.

To stand naked.

To become one.

It’s been so so long since that door has been open.

I know exactly where I’m at.

It’s comfortable right where I’m at in my new controlled cocoon.

It’s safe and easy.

And that scares the shit out of me.

That’s where I had been broken open ¬†many miles back.

The signs are all here.

The tiny flashes and bits of sparks.

I’m scared as hell, but know I’m being pulled toward this new summit.

Do I have the courage?

How could I not?

It was gifted at birth.

Meant to be.

To soar!

I’m still ¬†scared…

But I think it may be time.

12:41 AM Train Departed

it’s her train even if you think not

you indeed will pay a price

with or without cause

no time for repairs

you will eventually be tossed

she looks the other way

as she greets a new passenger

you crash roll and fall further and further down

the roar of the engine fades

you pick yourself uP

she though is still forced to stay on the tracks

there’s a strict schedule you realize

more lessons must be taught