How come it’s easier to write out our feelings to the whole world to read, but every day we hold them tightly to our chest when we are with those who love us?
A few weeks ago I met up with an old friend I hadn’t seen for over 20 years. I did something I don’t usually do and instead of just saying yes life has been interesting these last few years, I was honest and said it sucked!! I told her all about the bad and the ugly and yes I was scared, but I was no longer going to hide “me”. I think she was a bit shocked at my honesty and I guess in a way so was I. I even told her about this blog and gave her the link. People will say you need to be careful Dwight. You shouldn’t do this with xxx, or be careful discussing this type of stuff with xxx. To all of that, I say – F it! If they want to judge so be it. I don’t need that in my life anyway.
Some will always live in the matrix. I did for a very very long time.
Others have discovered what’s casting shadows inside the cave and have found the courage to get up, face the shadows, take the shackles off, and be Free again! (Plato’s Cave)
***Picture is Boris – He’s always real around me – I love him for that***
1:45 AM. I just had one of those cries that just bursts out. I don’t try holding it in because I know it has its purpose and needs to come. I do that cry where you actual whimper like a baby and the tears gush. I let it come. I let it flow. I know I need it. The mind can try as it will to try to create a safe all is good world, but your soul will not remain silent.
I ask myself afterwards what was that all about? After 16 years of marriage, it’s hard to not only lose the love of your life but to also lose your best friend. My soul still remembers even though my minds says come on all already it’s been quite sometime now. The hardest part is knowing the person had made this choice. It wasn’t as bad as it may sound that they died and I was left behind. No they made the choice and told me to my face. That’s hard. I acknowledge it, felt it, and hence the tears.
Hard. The oppostite of soft. Indeed from this brought a softness I would of never found a few years ago. My heart was broken. Blown up. But broken open and that is something I treasure coming out of that storm. I can admit the hardness of it all and as I said I don’t fight it.
I also know the softness like a hand grasping a rock. Both together hard and soft. Tears came hard but feel soft. A little sad. A little happy. I know I’m growing and know it was the way meant to be.
Deep breaths. Empathy. Love never fails, and I can honestly say I love me!
From the ash comes fire and smoke
trumpets blare as the drum beats from the heart
a healing occurs
I rise with the smoke
then jump on an ember
as the glow almost burns out
I’m a firefly dancing with
good and bad
happy and sad
life and death
black and white
day and night
The kids were excited as they ran over to meet Sam. “This is so cool”, my son Bob said. “This flooring has to go” – from Allie. We were all pumped up and ready to drive him off to the repair shop to get some new tires. I pulled up on the choke, put it in neutral, and turned the key. It sounded like it was going to start and then nothing. And more nothing. Allie turned on Start me up from her iPhone and that did nothing. Over and over we tried but nothing. I called the guy that sold me Sam and he said just keep pumping the gas as you try to start it. I tried that and still nothing. Our excitement was fading and it was starting to get dark. Finally, I said we’ll give it 3 more tries and then we’ll have to come back next weekend when the guy who sold me Sam is around. Final try number 1 – no success. Final try number 2 – no success. Final try number 3 – Allie turn on Won’t get fooled again by The Who and Sam started sputtering. I couldn’t believe it (The Who is my favorite band). We couldn’t quit now. A couple more tries and he was started. I let him warm up and then shifted him into first gear. Now, this is a 4 speed on a column that I have no experience with. I’m used to on the floor shifting. My heart was pumping! I didn’t even drive Sam before I bought it.
We had to exit on a hill and head down a dirt road. I didn’t think we’d make it up the hill, but Sam just putted up. We got out on the dirt road and we were off. It was like trying to steer a boat and when it came to stopping it was omg. No power steering or power brakes. I had chosen to drive Sam to Big o tire which was 8 miles away. The owner had suggested having it towed because the tires were so old and dry rotted. It would of cost me $350 to have it towed, so I opted to take my chances and use that money for part of the money for the tires. The only bad part of this plan was I had no experience driving a 4 speed on the column and no practicing in a parking lot. It was all or nothing. Showtime and I was on. First gear was a real trip..very close to reverse. I had a heck of a time getting a feel for that. Sam’s headlights didn’t help matters with just covering a small amount of space in front. As I said my heart was pumping and I hadn’t felt so alive in a long time. We discovered the blinkers and brake lights also didn’t function correctly. Bob was behind me in his vehicle and I was afraid at traffic stops I’d accidentally slam into him thinking I was in first gear. To top it off things were flying out of the cupboards and right behind my ear all I could hear was a lot of squeaking. Somehow I managed to get Sam to Big O and with that, I took a big breath and said to myself – what a first Adventure!!
Okay, so who is Sam? Sam is a 1968 Chevy van (307 engine) that has been converted to a motorhome that has what I believe is a lazy daze on it. The only thing I could find that is comparable on the internet is a Dodge lazy daze. I’ve been reading all about van life and watching YouTube. Every once in a while I would view craigslist just to get an idea of how much they would cost. I kept coming across Sam and finally, I decided to go check him out. When I got out of my car and saw him in person, I almost got back in and said see you later. He was showing his age and that intimated me. I know nothing really about vehicles. I decided to stay though and check him out. I still didn’t think I’d pull the trigger, but the longer I stayed the more I started bonding with Sam. Like I said I was scared to death of getting him, and then it clicked. All I’ve been reading about lately is to push through your fears. The little Dwight inside said fuck ya get it. The big rational Dwight said run..run fast. I decided for once to listen to the little voice inside!! Here he is and I hope you enjoy me blogging about our adventures together.
It’s Saturday morning and I am just thinking about my sh!t week. At least that’s what I chose to think of it every day starting from Monday right up to Friday night. Uggh…when you start seeing your nonsense it’s a tad hard to handle. Sometimes it much easier to fly blind with no clue. Anyway I pretty much did everything within my powers to make it sucky sucky. I ate like a pig, didn’t work out, beat myself up over things at work failing, felt sorry for myself, and got offended as much as possible. What a perfect recipe, eh?? When I start spiraling down my speed tends to increase and stopping that momentum gets harder and harder until I just say fuck it. Can you dig it? I’m 51. I know most of the right things I need to do. We all do. I just choose at times to ignore the right things and focus on the crap. Easy to see today as the sun is coming up. I’m going to try to start looking at my choices a bit better. I’ll update in the comments on how next week goes. Can you relate?
Safety and Security tether your Soul.
Some of you may be wondering what I was thinking in the first-place ordering $1,495 in new furniture when I’m in debt? Oh ..my my my. Consumer impulse at its finest sprinkled in with some society norm crap. For some reason, I woke up one day and realized my mother was going to be spending Christmas with me. This will be the first time she’s been to my current home since my divorce last year. Needless to say, to anybody who’s been through divorce I’m currently financially challenged and my home reflects that completely. I got the old beat up furniture and even use an outdoor wired table for my son’s bedside table. So, crazy society programmed brain took over and off I went to the great American buy new shit cheap store. Within 30 minutes I had picked out 4 bedside tables, 1 couch, 1 love seat, 1 end table, and 5 lamps. Bam! Broke out the card, signed, and set up delivery for the next week. Momma bear would be comfortable and not be worrying about her boy.
It was this past Saturday and the furniture store was pushing for a delivery for Monday. Thank god I asked it to be delivered tomorrow (Thursday), because it would of been real hard to return and cancel the order otherwise. Now I guess I know why they want to deliver as soon as possible. Other then you thinking this was a stupid idea given my debt situation your probably wondering what made me cancel the order? To be honest it was exciting thinking I could walk in the house and have some new STUFF and friends and family would have a place to sit comfortably. As the days went by I guess I started worrying about the new debt and then I stumbled upon an article How to become sustainable even if you think your’re too busy (http://gatesinteriordesign.com/become-sustainable-even-think-youre-busy/) by Amanda Gates on twitter @GatesInteriors . The article also has a podcast with her friend Julie Kearns of the Shop Junket. It basically described me going out to buy cheap shit that has no real soul value for my life and how it’s the “norm” to do what everyone else does. It so struck a chord that it snapped me out of my crazy brain.
I’m still always amazed when messages just come out of nowhere and resonate with you so much to make you stop and adjust. To Amanda and Julie I have to give you a very big THANK YOU!! I’ve decided mom will be much happier knowing I’m paying down my debt and probably respect me more for that fact. Also, I’ve decided I don’t need to buy into what everyone else does or what everyone else has. I AM the Dwightness of Source and I got my own path. So, no new furniture for me right now. Got great ideas from Amanda and Julie on going to reuse stores, reusing items, and taking care of what I own. I highly recommend checking out the article and podcast at http://gatesinteriordesign.com/become-sustainable-even-think-youre-busy/.
Peace my fellow learners as you Grow!!