I’m being still.
I’m still here.
I ask the Universe for guidance and all is still.
It’s like my friend Stephen says once you face fear it turns into a coward. It’s still.
What will I do next?
There are no coaches at this point I care to follow. Nor no gurus.
It’s not like I can’t be taught more, it’s more like the Universe is waiting for MY next move.
The conversations of doubt, fear, and how I’m always fucking up are Beyond old.
I just listen to them everyday as “i” hardly exist.
A shell run by a machine I don’t like.
2:02 AM and all is still.
Maybe you are right Stephen.
Maybe I have to be my own superhero and save myself.
In the morning when I awake will I let the machine take over?
For now it seems like the stillness before a great battle.
We’re staring at each other.
I learned of the Heart Sutra last week in a group meditation at a sangha I attend from time to time. It struck my heart with loving light and makes me feel safe. Thought I’d share.
Gate gate paragate parasamgate Bodhi svaha!
Going, going, always going on beyond. Always going beyond. Blessing!
Gone, going, always going on beyond. Always going beyond. Blessing and blessing!
Gone, gone, gone to the Other Shore, attained the Other Shore having never left.
2018. I don’t usually go down the whole new year resolutions path, but this year I have a calling that won’t shut up. It says…Get off the fence! Speak up! Your voice counts and now the time is right to put yourself out there a bit. Stop hiding Dwight HYDE : ).
So what is the calling you may ask? Still trying to figure it all out, but basically I believe it’s to share my heart with others. I’ve sat alone and read/heard so many stories from beautiful souls that just makes my heart break open and the tears flowing. At those times I realize there is so much love inside that’s just waiting to come out. Crazy. 51 years old and I’m a big old sap. I guess the work I’ve been doing on getting back in touch with ME has opened this new door. I’m not complaining and now is the time to take action.
I’m drawn to respond to others beyond the basic thumbs up Like. I want to get past that to a new level where the other person knows –> I dig you, I dig what you wrote and how you are currently feeling. I get you. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!! I’m also trying to connect more with men who sometimes hide their feelings and spread this message especially to them.
I know for myself when I’ve wrote something from my heart and put it out there that I’m always touched when others respond with love. I’m not trying to get likes – I’m trying to grow and truly connect and so far have been so happy with the results. I feel people want REAL stories of the good, bad, and the ugly. It’s f’n reality. Not this bullshit “News” put out by the media to get more clicks..more advertisement revenue. People want to connect and man we really do have more in common then what the news presents. We all suffer, get depressed, and are all trying to figure it all out for sure. I’ve been so depressed in the past I didn’t want live anymore. I’ve been so depressed that I couldn’t get out bed and had to take 6 weeks off of work to start working on my mental health. I’ve been so far in debt that at the age of 49 I had to ask my mother for a loan. I’ve been through a divorce after 16 years of marriage when I still wanted to be married. Real shit. No shit. And I know there are many others out there and that’s why I’m pushing myself out of my comfort zone and speaking out…Beyond the Like.
So, for those who enjoy my rambling post like this one – Thank You – and expect to see more comments from me.
I dig you!!
1:45 AM. I just had one of those cries that just bursts out. I don’t try holding it in because I know it has its purpose and needs to come. I do that cry where you actual whimper like a baby and the tears gush. I let it come. I let it flow. I know I need it. The mind can try as it will to try to create a safe all is good world, but your soul will not remain silent.
I ask myself afterwards what was that all about? After 16 years of marriage, it’s hard to not only lose the love of your life but to also lose your best friend. My soul still remembers even though my minds says come on all already it’s been quite sometime now. The hardest part is knowing the person had made this choice. It wasn’t as bad as it may sound that they died and I was left behind. No they made the choice and told me to my face. That’s hard. I acknowledge it, felt it, and hence the tears.
Hard. The oppostite of soft. Indeed from this brought a softness I would of never found a few years ago. My heart was broken. Blown up. But broken open and that is something I treasure coming out of that storm. I can admit the hardness of it all and as I said I don’t fight it.
I also know the softness like a hand grasping a rock. Both together hard and soft. Tears came hard but feel soft. A little sad. A little happy. I know I’m growing and know it was the way meant to be.
Deep breaths. Empathy. Love never fails, and I can honestly say I love me!
From the ash comes fire and smoke
trumpets blare as the drum beats from the heart
a healing occurs
I rise with the smoke
then jump on an ember
as the glow almost burns out
I’m a firefly dancing with
good and bad
happy and sad
life and death
black and white
day and night