Tears

1:45 AM.  I just had one of those cries that just bursts out.  I don’t try holding it in because I know it has its purpose and needs to come.  I do that cry where you actual whimper like a baby and the tears gush.  I let it come.  I let it flow.  I know I need it.  The mind can try as it will to try to create a safe all is good world, but your soul will not remain silent.

I ask myself afterwards what was that all about?

Its hard to not only lose the love of your life but to also lose your best friend.  My soul still remembers even though my minds says come on all already it’s been quite sometime now.  The hardest part is knowing the person had made this choice.  It wasn’t  as bad as it may sound that they died and I was left behind.  No they made the choice and told me to my face.  That’s hard.  I acknowledge it, felt it, and hence the tears.

Hard.  The oppostite of soft.  Indeed from this brought a softness I would of never found a few years ago.  My heart was broken.  Blown up.  But broken open and that is something I treasure coming out of that storm.  I can admit the hardness of it all and as I said I don’t fight it.

I also know the softness like a hand grasping a rock.  Both together hard and soft.  Tears came hard but feel soft.  A little sad.  A little happy.  I know I’m growing and know it was the way meant to be.

Deep breaths.  Empathy.  Love never fails, and I can honestly say I love me!

 

 

 

It’s a Dance

From the ash comes fire and smoke

trumpets blare as the drum beats from the heart

a healing occurs

I rise with the smoke

then jump on an ember

as the glow almost burns out

I’m a firefly dancing with

good and bad

happy and sad

life and death

black and white

day and night

Just Being

Just Dancing

Enjoying Life

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(1/5/2018 Journey)

 

 

 

 

 

An encounter with a couple of eggs

Little shells in your egg  – won’t kill you.

Little shells in your egg – won’t kill you.

Little yoke on the stove  – won’t kill you.

Little yoke on the stove –  won’t kill you.

..repeat…

Lighten up my friend and you won’t be blue❤️

Lighten up my friend and you won’t be blue❤️

(Okay now sing it and live it)

Sam I Am

The kids were excited as they ran over to meet Sam.  “This is so cool”, my son Bob said.  “This flooring has to go” – from Allie.  We were all pumped up and ready to drive him off to the repair shop to get some new tires.  I pulled up on the choke, put it in neutral, and turned the key.  It sounded like it was going to start and then nothing.  And more nothing.  Allie turned on Start me up from her iPhone and that did nothing.  Over and over we tried but nothing.  I called the guy that sold me Sam and he said just keep pumping the gas as you try to start it.  I tried that and still nothing.  Our excitement was fading and it was starting to get dark.  Finally, I said we’ll give it 3 more tries and then we’ll have to come back next weekend when the guy who sold me Sam is around.  Final try number 1 – no success.  Final try number 2 – no success.  Final try number 3 – Allie turn on Won’t get fooled again by The Who and Sam started sputtering.  I couldn’t believe it (The Who is my favorite band).  We couldn’t quit now.  A couple more tries and he was started.  I let him warm up and then shifted him into first gear.  Now, this is a 4 speed on a column that I have no experience with.  I’m used to on the floor shifting.  My heart was pumping!  I didn’t even drive Sam before I bought it.

We had to exit on a hill and head down a dirt road.  I didn’t think we’d make it up the hill, but Sam just putted up.  We got out on the dirt road and we were off.  It was like trying to steer a boat and when it came to stopping it was omg.  No power steering or power brakes.  I had chosen to drive Sam to Big o tire which was 8 miles away.  The owner had suggested having it towed because the tires were so old and dry rotted.    It would of cost me $350 to have it towed, so I opted to take my chances and use that money for part of the money for the tires.  The only bad part of this plan was I had no experience driving a 4 speed on the column and no practicing in a parking lot.  It was all or nothing.  Showtime and I was on.  First gear was a real trip..very close to reverse.  I had a heck of a time getting a feel for that.  Sam’s headlights didn’t help matters with just covering a small amount of space in front.  As I said my heart was pumping and I hadn’t felt so alive in a long time.  We discovered the blinkers and brake lights also didn’t function correctly.  Bob was behind me in his vehicle and I was afraid at traffic stops I’d accidentally slam into him thinking I was in first gear.  To top it off things were flying out of the cupboards and right behind my ear all I could hear was a lot of squeaking.  Somehow I managed to get Sam to Big O and with that, I took a big breath and said to myself – what a first Adventure!!

Okay, so who is Sam? Sam is a 1968 Chevy van (307 engine) that has been converted to a motorhome that has what I believe is a lazy daze on it.  The only thing I could find that is comparable on the internet is a  Dodge lazy daze.  I’ve been reading all about van life and watching YouTube.  Every once in a while I would view craigslist just to get an idea of how much they would cost.  I kept coming across Sam and finally, I decided to go check him out.  When I got out of my car and saw him in person, I almost got back in and said see you later.  He was showing his age and that intimated me.  I know nothing really about vehicles.  I decided to stay though and check him out.  I still didn’t think I’d pull the trigger, but the longer I stayed the more I started bonding with Sam.  Like I said I was scared to death of getting him, and then it clicked.  All I’ve been reading about lately is to push through your fears.  The little Dwight inside said fuck ya get it.  The big rational Dwight said run..run fast.  I decided for once to listen to the little voice inside!!  Here he is and I hope you enjoy me blogging about our adventures together.

Recipe for a Sh!t Week

It’s Saturday morning and I am just thinking about my sh!t week.  At least that’s what I chose to think of it every day starting from Monday right up to Friday night.  Uggh…when you start seeing your nonsense it’s a tad hard to handle.  Sometimes it much easier to fly blind with no clue.  Anyway I pretty much did everything within my powers to make it sucky sucky.  I ate like a pig, didn’t work out, beat myself up over things at work failing,  felt sorry for myself, and got offended as much as possible.  What a perfect recipe, eh??  When I start spiraling down my speed tends to increase and stopping that momentum gets harder and harder until I just say fuck it.  Can you dig it?  I’m 51.  I know most of the right things I need to do.  We all do.  I just choose at times to ignore the right things and focus on the crap.  Easy to see today as the sun is coming up.  I’m going to try to start looking at my choices a bit better.  I’ll update in the comments on how next week goes.  Can you relate?