Not Today!

Some days you can just start feeling that wave slowly building up trying to sneak up and crash down on you.

Your spider senses start to tingle and deja vu comes to mind.

Not today! I’m stopping you right in your tracks and shutting you DOWN.

Frick you! I’m not buying what your laying down.

I’m going to have a kick ass day instead!

BAMM!!

Dwight

The Dark Night of the Soul

I was recently watching a video dealing with fear and in it this women stated, “We really really are our own worst critics and quite cruel and mean to ourselves. We start to question ourselves, doubt ourselves. I think that was me. I couldn’t go on any further. It was really quite painful to come up against a lot of self-criticism and judgement, felt like a dark night of the soul”.

This intrigued me. It was my introduction. I wrote it down. What is the concept of dark night of the soul? Many references point back to the poet and mystic St. John of the Cross of the 16 century who wrote a commentary titled The Dark Night. It describes a spiritual crises in the journey toward union with god.

Others describe it as:

“The dark night of the soul is when you have lost the flavor of life but have not yet gained the fullness of divinity. So it is that we must weather that dark time, the period of transformation when what is familiar has been taken away and the new richness is not yet ours.”— Ram Dass

“There can be no rebirth without a dark night of the soul, a total annihilation of all that you believed in and thought that you were.”― Hazrat Inayat Khan

“The “dark night of the soul” is a term that goes back a long time. Yes, I have also experienced it. It is a term used to describe what one could call a collapse of a perceived meaning in life…an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness. The inner state in some cases is very close to what is conventionally called depression. Nothing makes sense anymore, there’s no purpose to anything. Sometimes it’s triggered by some external event, some disaster perhaps, on an external level. The death of someone close to you could trigger it, especially premature death, for example if your child dies. Or you had built up your life, and given it meaning – and the meaning that you had given your life, your activities, your achievements, where you are going, what is considered important, and the meaning that you had given your life for some reason collapses.”— Eckhart Tolle

“The dark night of the soul is a stage in personal development when a person undergoes a difficult and significant transition to a deeper perception of life and their place in it. This enhanced awareness is accompanied by a painful shedding of previous conceptual frameworks such as an identity, relationship, career, habit or belief system that previously allowed them to construct meaning in their life.”— Joshua Press. I came his article, The Dark Night of the Soul: Understanding Amidst the Absence of Meaning. I highly recommend reading it to learn more.

This is obviously a very personal experience but here are some commonalities I could relate to when researching futher:

  • A spiritual depression
  • Questioning your existence, your life
  • Seem lost or stuck
  • The feeling of suffering is overwhelming
  • Not living your own life; living what was instead prescribed by our collective consciousness
  • An event occurred that turned your whole world upside down
  • A literal surrendering to your higher power; a pushing away trying to ignore your higher power
  • Desire to shed things, to get quiet, listen, reconnect (to be still)

How many times have you tried to explain this process to someone or even yourself and just couldn’t find the words? Even the words above can’t fully give it justice because words can only help point us toward an experience. This perfectly describes my experience after my divorce. It took much internal work and battles and 3 years before the light started cracking through. Knowing your not alone on this journey and that many others have rediscovered a new path that shines for them is priceless! You too can soldier through this with Faith.

One last interesting note. In Joshua’s article, the graphic he used was the same one I used a few posts back when writing my blog post titled BE STILL see below… I began to feel like I was being lead along a bit or more like a light was starting to shine in an area I never noticed before. Just prior to this I had also started going to bed listening to this meditation I AM by Wayne Dyer, My BE STILL post was a a quote from Wayne. Notice the capitals. Did Wayne guide me? My goosebumps say yes.

This is the key to remember:

Much light to all of you,

Dwight

Taking a break

Just wanted to let you know I’m going to be off WordPress for a bit. I need to take a mental health break and try to flush out the current state of my monkey mind. So reconnecting to my soul is in order which means getting quiet, meditating, and who knows what else. This happens with me once or twice a year so no cause for alarm. The neat thing is getting sober has allowed me to take notice of it and address it.

Sending peace, all my support, and much ❤️

Dwight

Debt 2: Let’s chat


Sipping my morning coffee, I was told it needs to be a light week. (Code words for very little in the checkbook.)

Don’t use that card, use the gold card in the back of your wallet. (Ugh)

“This” is becoming a bit blah. Conversations, sparks, activities are getting to be nil. …Let’s move and buy a new place. Excellent. Let the planning begin. (Oh and possibly the loss of money spent here and of course biggering and spending more)

Sorry mom and dad, the family and I aren’t going to be able to visit after all. Work is just real crazy right now…we understand they say, maybe next year. (In reality there’s just no funds for four plane tickets and boarding the dogs for a week, but boy…I’m sure glad I spent all that money on remodels. I’ll surely treasure those for the rest of my life.)

It’s that dreaded time of year. THE Debt SpreadSheet is created, presented, and a budget is prepared. Brilliant and we’ll put it up on the wall, update it, and watch it decrease month by month. (The next month the beast of a car breaks, the debt goes up, and the budget is tossed out the window.)

Sit down. We need to talk. (I know.)


Do any of these sound familiar to you? I could of went on and on but you get the point. Life doesn’t have to be this way. Some of you are right in the middle of this storm and you, like I did, aren’t taking this seriously. We say, it’s normal. Everyone’s in debt. I’m in too deep at this point, I’ll just keep limping along making minimum payment. I won’t worry I’m one paycheck away from disaster. I’ll just suck up all the stress it causing in my marriage, with my family,..in my life. Not to even mention how it’s affecting my health.

Maybe you didn’t like this little talk. Maybe you’ll quickly go to the next post and leave all this debt messiness behind you. But for those of you that are a bit paused right here. Right at this point in your life. This debt stings a bit doesn’t it?

YouTube Adam Baker: Sell your crap. Pay your debt. https://youtu.be/9XRPbFIN4lk

Life doesn’t have to be lived this way. You can find freedom from this madness. Next post on debt will be on how to start exploring getting out of debt. If I can get out of debt, so can you!

Head uP – acknowledge your situation,

Dwight

Write it down they say!

Put pen to paper. It will keep you focused and on track. Express yourself. What you’re looking at is a workout journal, food journal, “journal” journal, and even creative doodle journal. Yes, I do go overboard at times. Occasionally I actually use them somewhat consistently for a few days, maybe a week, and then the next entries will be a month to two out. Are you frickin tired of writing and never doing? Yes, yes I know I’ve got many issues but today I don’t want to be schooled on them.

Do you ever just want fling all your “shit” off the god damn table and scream ENOUGH?

What would you do if you did? What comes to mind for you?

Took this picture driving the backroads in the Spring…

Here’s mine. I’d start the day with a big old greasy breakfast of bacon, eggs, and home fries,..and maybe 3 cups of plain old black coffee. Next I’d gather my 3 dogs and jump into an old pickup and spend the day driving and mending cattle fences all day enjoying the physical work and the outdoors. I can see the rolling acres now and a big smile on my face…

What would your throw your shit on the floor and do what you never thought you’d do day look like? That was a mouthful.

Maybe I should journal on all this,

Dwight😀

Find that little wild grin again!

When was the last time you dared greatly? Maybe you’ll say something like, once when I was younger and foolish, I did this…I did that..

Were you foolish or is it the wise setting back observing who are foolish? Unable to do this or that with many excuses of this or that. What new lessons could be experienced .. if only?

For you didn’t know all the rules and if you did you threw them aside with your middle finger and followed the roar of your soul!

“Marred by dust and sweat and blood”, reread that and sit with it. You were alive with much life.

It’s never to late to get back into the arena.

Dare greatly and that little grin will come back,

Dwight

Debt 1: Debt and peace

Can you have debt and peace?

Believe it or not this blog started off as a debt blog. I was divorced with a debt of $35,500. I had come across other debt bloggers and found much knowledge and support from their posts, so I took the plunge and started blogging here. The interesting thing though about all this is if you go way back to my early posts you won’t find many on debt. You see this blog started with me being anonymous. I was probably 5 to 10 posts in blogging about debt, and then like many I discovered my heart and soul was gaining courage and they had a few things to say too. On one eventful night, I took the plunge, removed my mask, changed the blog to FadedJeansLiving.com a “Life Blog”, and in the process DELETED most of the blog entries on my personal debt!

Why you may ask? I was embarrassed by it. The blog now had my real name and even a picture of me. My goodness what would happen if people found out who knew me? You’re probably chuckling after all the “real personal shit” I have since posted. You need to understand though this was over 4 years ago and I was very green about the benefits of being vulnerable and sharing. I wish I had never deleted them now, obviously. It would of been neat to see where I was during those raw moment of my life. Live and learn as they say.

One question I wish I had asked with each new debt was will this bring me peace? Unfortunately, I realize back then I know what the answer would of been. It would of been either well sure it does, OR frick off I don’t have time to think about peace I’ve got living to do! Big sigh. My debt started with college, for that was what you were to do, so I did my part and played along. Then the good job came and a BIG house was needed as dictated in the next part of the song. Buy the biggest you can afford they sang with a 30 year mortgage, you’ll grow into it..trust us. And growing I did. New cars were needed to fill the 2 car garage and with the 3,300 sq ft furniture was needed. Why wait like your parents did and purchase mostly with cash. No problem you now have good credit. Credit is your friend?

So as as the years passed by I kept biggering and so did the debt. I was living the good life so THEY say. Yes, there was some discomforts felt that within this didn’t feel completely right or even good at times, so a bit of action was put in place. Dave Ramsey’s book Financial Peace entered my life, budgets were drawn up, and beans and rice were bought for dinner. Total debt removal was the plan. The problem with plans and actions is you must act. Pull the trigger, live it. Well this other guy also came into the scene named Robert Kiyosaki with his book Rich Dad,Poor Dad. I didn’t want be poor dad, so I said goodbye to old Dave.

I never thought I would ever be a landlord, but at one time I had three houses I “owned” and was renting out. There were home equity loans here and there with credit cards maxed out due to remodeling them and getting them up to snuff. Also I was selling and moving into homes for me and my family along the way. Fixing them up, getting bored, and moving again. Each time going more in debt, but not to worry because I now had investments.

Well, as many of you know, this story didn’t end well. I was divorced in 2015, $35,500 in debt as this story began, had to let go of the big house. I moved into one of our rentals. The ex moved into the other rental. And to top it off they are located one house apart from each other. KARMA. Ha.

Well that’s a good intro to my debt. Have I learned anything from it and do I have any advice? Yes and will share in future posts. In closing, I’m back following Dave. It just works better for me. And just like getting out of the fog from alcohol for me, getting out of debt has brought me peace.  Ironically I got sober and paid of that debt both in the same year – 2019.

It will bring you peace, too. You can remove debt from your life.

More to come,

Dwight

You (2)

You have the answers

Though you think they are out somewhere

You wait

Waiting for stars to align

Angels to sing

Light to cast down

It’s coming

Or maybe it’s in that next book

With a bonus guide for only $199.99

Looking out

Searching

Hoping

While tiring inside

You sink back and sigh

Why

Why does this have to be so hard

Hard

Compared to soft

Compared to flow

From within, to out, and back to you

A freedom crying out

Enough of this hell

This doesn’t have to be so complicated

A start over

But this time it’s part 2 and you make the rules

No longer the past dragging you down

Nor the future whispering fears

Toss them overboard

For NOW is the only reality

The blindfold is removed and love surrounds you

You realize you are the way

You were intended here

As a needed seed built to grow and shine

New maps can be made

It’s time to set sail!


YOU can always change,

Dwight