Did I do what I was supposed to do
Who is to know what to do
Did I do what I was supposed to do
Who is to know what to do
“I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person in question finally getting sick of their own bullshit.”
– Elizabeth Gilbert
Digesting it now and foresee a future blog post on it. Can you relate?
This was taken over a week ago at the airport when I picked her up.
She’s looking directly at me.
Look at all that LOVE.
As tears flow down my cheeks, I’m feeling so grateful for her!
We had a wonderful visit.
Life is not about having things, gaining titles, or winning.
It’s about that smile above❤️
Yep. Being an adult is hard!!! Especially after being spoon fed the great consumer marketing campaign from birth. I want I want….I deserve I deserve…
Ego: I want that cold piece of pizza for breakfast. It’s right there. It’s easy.
Soul: Shut the hell up. That shit is not the way you want to start off your day. Tons of processed ingredients not mention the calories. Grow the hell up.
Ego: But this afternoon we’re going to swill a truck load of beer. You deserve it man. Little Zepplin playing, some sun and fun brother!
Soul: Shut the hell up! Yah yah yah. You escape for maybe an hour and then the poison kicks in and not only are you more depressed, you’ve blown a whole afternoon getting wasted, and in about 6 hour you’ll wake up from your drunk slumber and will be hungover and regretting your drunken actions. More guilt. Nope. Not going to happen.
Ego: Okay. Okay. But lets go buy something. You could really use a newer vehicle. You’re driving a 1992 Jeep Cherokee for gods sake. Have you seen the vehicles in the high school students parking lot lately. They’re driving 2018 vehicles that blow yours away and they are teenagers!!
Soul: Shut the hell up! I’ve heard and experienced all of your lies on how “things” will make me happier. They fucking don’t! All they do is steal my hard earned money. Not going to happen. I’m working smarter now and I don’t need things!!
Ego: Man! Easy easy. Okay. Okay. You’re right. You are right! I’ve been wrong, all along, and you have your shit together. I mean look at you. You’ve been working so hard and doing everything right. Lets reward our self. You deserve it. How about we just lay around this weekend and take it easy.
Soul: Shut the hell up! I know what you’re trying to do. We got work to do and as soon as I stop doing my daily habits all hell breaks loose in my life all because of you and your bullshit. We’re getting off our ass and getting er done. You hear me!!!
Ego: You shut the hell up! You’re ugly, lazy, in debt, will be lonely forever with no women in site! Your life is a big waste and you my friend are pathetic! I’m just trying to help you.
Soul: I’m sorry you are so scared. I know you see me getting stronger and healthier and it feels like you are getting shoved out. I can no longer listen to your nonsense. I was intended into the universe by a great power and that’s all I need to know. I was meant to be here. I was meant to shine. I was meant to bring my “dwightness” to this world and that’s what I’m going to do. You can either work with me or go away.
It’s hard to be an adult, but it’s so worth it. Love never fails. Grow up and start loving yourself! You are worthy!!
*It’s a bit interesting my last name is Hyde. Yes, a bit of Jekyll and Hyde today for your reading pleasure : )
How do you slay a dragon when it brings forth fire breathing depression on your ass? First, you find the courage to face it. Second, you use every tool you have in your arsenal. Third, it’s impossible to completely slay, but the sooner you deal with it the sooner you start feeling better. For me, the depression starts getting smaller and smaller and eventually flies away. I know it will come again, but next time I will be more prepared.
Tools I used the last 4 days battling my dragon:
This time around I forced myself to deal with it by making the commitment and documenting it here. Usually I would of road it out hiding in bed with a pillow over my head. I didn’t succeed every day, but each day the tools helped me emotionally and physically which relieved some of the pressure of depression. One insight was my sleep patterns need much help. I had one night where I got 5 straight hours of sleep and felt like a different person. Imagine 6 hours straight🤪. After much thought, I am going to inquire from my doc about going to a sleep lab. Lastly, I’m discovering the food I consume definitely comes into play with all of this. I need to get disciplined in that area for sure. I’m going to also explore incorporating fasting once every so often. It did seem to help like a type of cleanse.
On Day 1, I was regretting making this commitment to myself and you all. Now it’s Day 5 and I’m so glad I did it. Who knows maybe in the future you’ll see more “daily journal” posts on healthy eating or working on my sleep. I’m very grateful for all of you reading, commenting, and supporting me these last days. Thank you🤗
Howdy! Okay this is my last day of documenting. I didn’t get a great night sleep, but it wasn’t as bad as the night before. I actually started googling sleep labs last night while I couldn’t sleep🤪. I just can’t imagine having to sleep with a machine over my nose, but something has to change in that area. I’m just trying to stay “natural”. Today I’m experimenting with fasting for part of the day. I’ve never used this as a tool before so the verdict is still out. I’m attempting to see how it affects my sleep tonight. I think my diet has a lot to do with my physical and mental health and it could even improve my sleep.
Alrighty, so today is Saturday and I got up at 7 and actually didn’t feel that bad even though I hadn’t gotten much sleep. I started the morning of with a turmeric tea(tool). It has many benefits, but the main one I’m shooting for is it’s benefits against depression. I just took it easy and brought my doggie to the vet and put on some Barry White and cleaned my house(tool). For me, I feel much calmer when things are in order and it does give me some satisfaction when I’m done. No, I won’t come to your house to clean.
Took my daughter to the Fine Art Center for prom pictures later in the afternoon. My little girl isn’t a little girl anymore. We got yelled out about 5 times because of the flash, but it was worth it. Got some giggles out of that. Spending time with her(tool) is precious. Didn’t do much in the evening other then chill and read(tool).
Thoughts for the day:
I can honestly say I’m not depressed today. My depression does usually start hitting the road by day four, but I guess the key here in this experiment is that day 1, 2, and 3 were definitely not as intense as in the past dealing with my depression bouts. Usually I would of stayed in bed day 1 and 2. Getting out of bed and using my tools as best I can has made it more tolerable and help keep my mind off of it. I’ll write up a summary tomorrow. Thanks for following along❤️