Faded Jeans Living

Men’s Work #4: Become Your Own Ally

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“The privilege of a lifetime is to become who you truly are.”
— Carl Jung

Would you want to be friends with the way you talk to yourself?

If I’m honest, my answer has been no.

For years, the conversation in my head has been harsh. It sounds like this: “You messed that up.” “You said the wrong thing again.” “What the hell are you doing with your life?” For a long time, I listened to that voice. I believed it. I swallowed it whole and carried it with me everywhere I went.

Much of it grew out of forty years of alcohol abuse and the choices I made during that time. Then came the shame of divorce, the sting of failures, and the countless times I felt like I just wasn’t enough. The list seemed endless.

But looking back, I’m beginning to see that my wounds were not just things to hide or be ashamed of. They were also invitations to grow.

The experiences that hurt me the most have also shaped me in ways I never expected. My divorce was incredibly painful. At the time, it felt like my world was falling apart. Looking back, I realize it was my old world falling apart, making room for a new one. Today, I can see it was one of the greatest catalysts for change in my life. It forced me to look honestly at myself, to grow, and to uncover the man I was always meant to be—the man who had been there all along, beneath the wounds, shame, and old stories.

I’ve learned wounds can become the places where the light enters. They can soften us, deepen our empathy, and open our hearts to ourselves and others. The goal isn’t to pretend the wounds never happened. The goal is to learn from them and allow them to transform us.

One of the unexpected gifts of men’s work has been discovering that I’m not alone. As men have shared openly in our circles, I’ve heard versions of that same inner critic again and again. Different words. Same message. We beat ourselves up for mistakes, replay conversations in our heads, question our worth, and hold ourselves to standards we’d never expect of someone we love.

I believe many men learned somewhere along the way that our value is tied to what we accomplish, what we provide, and how well we hold everything together. For generations, men have often been measured by their ability to be strong, successful, independent, and dependable. Those qualities can be meaningful, but they can also become a burden when we believe they are the source of our worth.

If we succeed, we feel worthy. If we fail, we can feel like we have failed as a man. Shame has a way of turning “I made a mistake” into “I am a mistake.”

But something has been changing in me. I’ve begun to realize that I am not my thoughts. My thoughts are often stories born from old wounds, fear, and shame. They are not always telling me the truth.

These days, I spend about ten minutes every morning practicing inner kindness. Sometimes that means affirmations. Sometimes spiritual reading, journaling, or meditation.

I’ve spent more than sixty years practicing negative self-talk. Those thoughts have become well-worn pathways in my mind. They don’t change overnight.

That’s why I’m doing this. I’m training my mind in a new direction. Every morning is another opportunity to strengthen a different pathway—one that leads away from self-judgment and toward my heart. A pathway of kindness, forgiveness, and truth.

I’m learning to become my own ally instead of my own critic.

When I quiet my mind, I notice something else.

My heart has a different voice.

It is loving.

It is forgiving.

It reminds me that I’ve learned from my experiences, not been defined by them. It reminds me that every difficult chapter has taught me something and helped shape me into a better man—more empathetic, more loving, more truthful, and more disciplined than I was before.

If you’re a man reading this and your inner critic has convinced you that you’re a failure, I’d like to offer you another possibility.

Beneath all the mistakes, shame, and stories we carry, there is something deeper that has always been there: goodness.

I believe that goodness is not something we have to earn or create. It is something that already exists within us. Just as there is a goodness and energy flowing throughout the universe, that same goodness lives within each of us.

The work is not about becoming someone worthy of love. The work is about uncovering the goodness that has been there all along.

Listen less to the voice that shames you and more to the voice of your heart.

Your heart already knows something your inner critic has forgotten.

You were intended to bring your unique light into this world. The world doesn’t need another imitation of someone else. It needs your “your-name-ness.” In my case, that’s Dwightness. Yours will have a different name, but it carries the same truth.

There is goodness within you.

Let it shine.

-Dwight