Faded Jeans Living

Men’s Work #7: The Courage To Be Yourself

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“Where there’s a way or path, it is someone else’s path; each human being is a unique phenomenon.”

— Joseph Campbell

What would happen if, just for once, you allowed your true self to be seen?

Or have you added so much noise and clutter within yourself that you don’t even know who your true self is anymore?

What would it feel like to live more genuinely as a man? To have the courage to do the inner work required to discover who you really are?

For much of my life, I was trying to figure out how to navigate the things that mattered most. I was never completely taught what it meant to be a good man with morals, how to handle my finances, my emotions, my confidence, or even my health. I was also trying to figure out how to be a good husband and a good father. I remained quiet because I believed being a man meant you were supposed to know the answers. You weren’t supposed to ask questions. At least, that’s what I had learned.

I looked at the men and people around me for examples of how to live, how to be a man, and how to navigate life. Some were good guides. Some weren’t. I was confused and scared, and I didn’t really know what to do.

I learned to go with the flow rather than risk standing out. I learned to avoid conflict. I learned to hold back what I really thought because I assumed everyone else knew what they were doing. I buried many negative emotions and put on the appearance that everything was okay.

Looking back, I can now see how much of myself I was keeping hidden.

It all started changing, though, after my divorce.

I was broken open.

There wasn’t much left, so I had to start rebuilding. One piece at a time.

And I knew I couldn’t rebuild myself the way I had built myself before.

I had nothing to lose, so I started looking at who I truly was within. I found guidance through spiritual and self-help books, inner work, journaling, and meditation. I was 48 years old at the time, and what I had been doing wasn’t working. I did most of this work in isolation, working it out on my own, one piece at a time, stumbling in the dark often.

It wasn’t until recently that I realized I wasn’t alone on my path.

I eventually found my people and started allowing my true self to be seen.

Sometimes that means being vulnerable, even if tears appear. Sometimes it means asking another man how he experiences something, or asking for guidance when I’m not sure how to navigate something myself.

Often now, it means voicing my opinion. I don’t feel like I have to keep it inside anymore. I can speak my mind while still being considerate and respectful of someone else’s opinion.

Part of letting myself be seen has been realizing that not every relationship needs to be a deep one. I can still have those relationships, but I don’t put as much energy into them. I choose to focus my time and energy on the relationships that feed my soul—where I feel heard, seen, and deeply loved.

I’m currently looking into finding a therapist to help me clear some of the mental and emotional clutter I’ve accumulated over 60 years—some of the things that have gotten in the way of fully knowing and allowing my true self to show up. I haven’t had much success with therapy in the past, but I’m approaching it differently in these encore years. I’m not coming from a place of crisis. I have a clear understanding that this is work that needs to be done, and for the first time in my life, I feel strong and awake enough to take it on.

For me, it also means laughing, joking, and even bad dancing, without worrying about what people may think.

I’m not, by any means, all the way there myself. I’m still learning what it means to fully show up as myself. But that’s the goal—to allow my true self to show up. To actually participate in this life rather than sit on the sidelines, confused, watching and wondering. To experience it. To be in it.

So, what does all of this mean?

Look inward and ask yourself: Am I truly being seen and heard as me, or am I still being shaped by what the collective environment around me says I should be? Our paths are unique. That doesn’t mean someone else’s path is wrong; it simply means we each have to find and walk our own.

And if not, ask yourself:

• What am I holding back that wants to be seen?
• Where am I not speaking my truth?
• Which relationships allow me to be fully myself?
• What is one small step I can take today to live more authentically?

Maybe it’s time to let yourself be seen.

-Dwight