Faded Jeans Living

1:45 AM.  I just had one of those cries that just bursts out.  I don’t try holding it in because I know it has its purpose and needs to come.  I do that cry where you actual whimper like a baby and the tears gush.  I let it come.  I let it flow.  I know I need it.  The mind can try as it will to try to create a safe all is good world, but your soul will not remain silent.

I ask myself afterwards what was that all about?  After 16 years of marriage, it’s hard to not only lose the love of your life but to also lose your best friend.  My soul still remembers even though my minds says come on all already it’s been quite sometime now.  The hardest part is knowing the person had made this choice.  It wasn’t  as bad as it may sound that they died and I was left behind.  No they made the choice and told me to my face.  That’s hard.  I acknowledge it, felt it, and hence the tears.

Hard.  The oppostite of soft.  Indeed from this brought a softness I would of never found a few years ago.  My heart was broken.  Blown up.  But broken open and that is something I treasure coming out of that storm.  I can admit the hardness of it all and as I said I don’t fight it.

I also know the softness like a hand grasping a rock.  Both together hard and soft.  Tears came hard but feel soft.  A little sad.  A little happy.  I know I’m growing and know it was the way meant to be.

Deep breaths.  Empathy.  Love never fails, and I can honestly say I love me!