A peak into my journal…
I want to tell you about a dream I had. This was when my ex and I were still married planning out our divorce. A very hard time to say the least for both of us. One night as I was sleeping next to her I had the following dream. I’d come home and walked through the door. I looked across the room and my wife(ex) was completely white and shaking. She was so scared she couldn’t even speak. She was pointing around the corner. Like something beyond frightful was hiding. For once in my life I didn’t ignore it or run away. Without thinking I ran across the room, around the corner, and looked right at the monster and SCREAMED! After that I woke up.
Prior to quitting alcohol, I had a little voice within constantly asking:
- If not now, then when? When? When will you truly live this life?
- Are you happy about how you’re living? Is this the human experience you believe you were intended into this universe to follow?
- What will be the biggest regret you’ll have on your deathbed looking back over your life?
- Have you ever given your true self a chance?
I’m now 1 year sober sitting here feeling very proud, happy, and mostly just peaceful. Much of the guilt and shame is going away and self-love is starting to finally come back. I do want to say though, from my experince quitting alcohol and leaving the comfortable numb fog takes courage and tons of internal rewiring. There will be many mental, physical, and emotional battles you will face on your path. Some you will win; others you may lose. Regardless you will grow. Staring down your dragon will take everything you got, but oh is it ever worth it. Scream if you need to but wake up! If you need help get it! You won’t be alone. Don’t wait 40 years like me. It will be the most rewarding work of your life. Hell you’ll actually get your true life back. Lean in and have faith in that voice from within. It’s your guiding system – listen to it.
I thank you all for your love, inspiration, and support this last year and offer it right back!
From The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown: “Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”
Please join me in supporting these beautiful brave souls:
Claire, Ditching the Wine
Collette, Wine to water
Elizabeth, Without the wine
GettingSoberGal, Just a gal trying to get sober
Jim, Life beyond booze
Limetwiste, Moderately Sober
Lisa Marie, I love my new life!
Lovie Price, Wake Up!
Msnewleaf, my life without alcohol
Nadine, The Sobriety Tree
Nelson, One Drunk’s Tale
Celebrate YOU – Crank it up and dance in front of a mirror!
From YouTube: Sara Bareilles – Brave (Official Video)
Fill your world with silly love songs
From YouTube: Paul McCartney & Wings – Silly Love Songs
Are you still reading??? Okay, last tip. Be kind to yourself and be silly! Life’s a frickin trip!!!
Okay, okay, I promise this it. Never ever over estimate a fist bump from your daughter when you tell her it’s been a year being sober and you need her to take some photos for the occasion. Priceless❤️
I thought 6 months of being sober after drinking for 40 years warranted a post. Plus I thought for those starting down this path that hopefully there may be some information that would resonate with what their experiencing. When I quit drinking I was more then ready. There was much guilt the day after a binge session plus way to many hangovers. I knew it wasn’t healthy for me in any fashion at all. There was also my soul laying down a slow steady bass beat in the background of give yourself a chance Dwight. At 53, I had been leaning on alcohol since I was 13. I had so many Day Ones I couldn’t even count. But this time around I was truly onboard.
I started my sobriety 3 plus years out from my divorce after being married for 16 years with two kids. I was making some progress on digesting that whole crushing scene plus I had less then 1 year left on paying off $35,5000 in debt. Coming up out of those low valleys encouraged me to take on my alcohol dragon. My first month of being sober I pumped myself up by reading tons of books on quitting alcohol. Reading everyone’s story with eventually happy endings definitely helped push me along. It was like when you first start off on a new job or exercise program your all jazzed and usually surrounded by other like minded people. I joined a forum and just immersed myself into this new world of how to be sober. I didn’t go down the AA route because for me I have my own hang ups with religion and the 12 steps. That’s just me though. I’ve read many books and follow many bloggers where it works for them and I fricken applaud them. The one book for me that really helped with the transition was by Annie Grace called This Naked Mind. I’ll do anther post on that someday. So yeah, the first month I was cleaning out my body from the poison and feeling pretty darn excited.
At about at 3 weeks the “glitz” wasn’t shining as much. The realization came that I no longer had my tool to escape from reality. All of my main issues around depression, debt, divorce, health, insecurities…. were still there plus now I was feeling guilt on how alcohol had harmed me for all those years. Also, I had to back away from the sober community I joined, because seeing so many folks repeat day 1 over and over was almost like a trigger for me and I certainly didn’t want to go down that path anymore. What I did do though is start following some sober bloggers here in WordPress who had been successful being sober for some time and that has helped me tremendously.
I won’t go month by month but needless to say it’s a shit load of hard work! Hard work that I’m so grateful for!! Not being able to check out when life or my thoughts start fucking with me was extremely difficult. Just sitting there and finally for once in my life just looking straight at it and dealing with it sober took everything I had. The good news is I’m getting better at it and each time I feel a bitter better about myself and I’ll just say it – Proud!
One thing I learned was that many of us who stop drinking including myself pick other coping mechanisms. Mine was emotional eating and I’m currently working my ass off , literally, on curbing that. This inner work is a trip and the ego is a nasty little fuck!
So at 6 months I’m feeling so much more love for myself and know I’ll never go back. My soul is smiling more each day and my confidence is growing. The support and bonding here on WordPress is just priceless. I know I still have a lot of work to do, but now I’m taking control of my life, living my life sober, and discovering a new power within. I hope that for all of you.
* For those interested in learning more about alcohol and possibly exploring going AF check out these resources and blogs
- Read This Naked Mind by Annie Grace
LIVE YOUR LIFE LIKE YOU’RE THE HERO IN YOUR MOVIE – Joe Rogan FightMediocrity
It’s never to late. I’m making this my fucking comeback story and YES for once I’m the Hero!!!
If you have questions or comments you don’t want to post here you can always email me at dwight@FadedJeansLiving,com
Thank you for reading and your support!
1:45 AM. I just had one of those cries that just bursts out. I don’t try holding it in because I know it has its purpose and needs to come. I do that cry where you actual whimper like a baby and the tears gush. I let it come. I let it flow. I know I need it. The mind can try as it will to try to create a safe all is good world, but your soul will not remain silent.
I ask myself afterwards what was that all about? After 16 years of marriage, it’s hard to not only lose the love of your life but to also lose your best friend. My soul still remembers even though my minds says come on all already it’s been quite sometime now. The hardest part is knowing the person had made this choice. It wasn’t as bad as it may sound that they died and I was left behind. No they made the choice and told me to my face. That’s hard. I acknowledge it, felt it, and hence the tears.
Hard. The oppostite of soft. Indeed from this brought a softness I would of never found a few years ago. My heart was broken. Blown up. But broken open and that is something I treasure coming out of that storm. I can admit the hardness of it all and as I said I don’t fight it.
I also know the softness like a hand grasping a rock. Both together hard and soft. Tears came hard but feel soft. A little sad. A little happy. I know I’m growing and know it was the way meant to be.
Deep breaths. Empathy. Love never fails, and I can honestly say I love me!