I stepped out into the cold dark night all bundled up, reflector vest on, headphones playing Whispering Notes from the Insight Timer app, and was getting ready to put on my headlamp. As I shut the front door and stepped off the stoop, I remember a night probably very close to exactly 6 years ago.
It was just days before leaving the home of my wife and two kids. A night very dark and cold as tonight. It was the period of my marriage ending but still living together. The kids still didn’t know. This period went on for 5 months. Why we put ourselves through that hell I don’t know.
Well really I guess I do. I was hoping and praying we could somehow stay together. Well on that particular night it was late and everyone had gone to bed and I was out in my office in front of the fire slamming beers down one after another trying to escape into the fog. As I kept drinking I cried, I prayed, and basically twisted in emotional pain. My mind kept replaying the heartache over and over and to escape I finally stepped out into the dark cold night with just my coat no hat, gloves, or light and just started walking as I cried. I believe it was a full moon and I can remember it was snowing. I was beyond drunk and just stumbling through the snow for about 5 miles asking God why God why? I somehow made it back home and passed out on the couch. I think a few days later we told the kids and I left.
This movie all played back to me tonight, but tonight I wasn’t the same person. Yes my heart is still broken, but now it’s broken open to receive and give more love. As I was replaying that scene, I remember a word that kept popping up all this week for me – Free will. I thought how hard it must of been that night for God and my guides to watch me fall further and further into the abyss. Even though they had the knowing it was The Way and only way to reconnect with my soul; it’s still must of been deeply hard to watch their child suffer.
As I continued on my walk tonight I gave thanks to Spirit and my Guides for watching over me during this long period of regrowth and helping me shine from within. Tonight I cried again as I walked, but this time it was tears of joy, grace, and complete love. I am not the same man I was back then. I AM now a man with much empathy and love. Free will was the only way this could of come about. There are no shortcuts. Halfway through my walk I stopped, looked up into the stars, twirled around 360 degrees, and asked out loud “remember that night? – look at us now”. At the moment love wrapped me like a warm blanket and I even felt like God and my guides were clapping and we all shared a tear of joy.
As I approached my house and stepped onto my drive, the Whispering Notes music I had selected ended. It was a 1hr 9 minute piece and it finished right when I had RETURNED HOME❤️
When you’re going through those dark night’s of the soul, I get it…it’s hard to see the light at the end. All I can tell you is from my experiences is it’s there. It’s a new joyous light too that will having you giving thanks daily.
Trust Spirits free will. Do the work by finding and opening to your true self and bask in the light here and NOW.
Dwight, Guides, and God❤️