Eve

I’m going to do something I don’t do a lot and that is talk about my depression. I’ve seen so many brave souls open up and share so much and realized sharing helps in many ways. Two main benefits are it helps the person release instead of blocking it and holding it inside, and it helps others realize they aren’t alone. My depression dragon has been with me for 30 some years. When I was 16 it got so bad I decided I didn’t want to be here. Fast forward to now. I’m 53 and the dragon still haunts me. It makes me question everything about myself and zaps all the energy away from me and everything looks and feels like shit. My answer is to hide from the world by going to bed. Going to bed at 7:30 at night sometimes and staying in bed until 2 pm. No desire to do anything. All I want during that time is quiet and not have to function. Turn the world off. Everything just turns into a big show where I’m the actor while inside I’m literal dying and hating life. I’m having a depression spell now and for some crazy reason, I thought why not battle the dragon instead of sleeping it away, and share it with the universe. So here I am. Tomorrow I start the battle and the plan is to blog every day for the next 4 to 5 days on it. I’ve got a box of tools I’m going to use and the goal is to document what’s working and what’s not working. The whole purpose of this exercise is to take ownership of my mental healing and start incorporating these tools into a daily routine. Spoiler alert: my tools don’t involve counseling or medication.

** Counseling and medication are excellent tools…just not for me. I mean no disrespect to those of you who partake. ***

I’ve tried counseling a few times and it hasn’t worked. And as far as medication goes I believe, for me, that I have everything already inside of me to be happy. I just have to tap back into it like I did naturally when I was a kid. So…we’ll see how this goes by making this public and myself accountable for battling my dragon. Stay tuned for tomorrow night where I write up my Day 1.

11 thoughts on “Eve

  1. I like your plan. Anxiously awaiting to hear what works for you. Maybe you can take those items that work and expand on them. Or perhaps list them on paper and when the clouds roll in next time, you can pull out your paper and review what works to let the sun back in. Thank you for sharing this post. There is a light…just sometimes we have to look really, really hard to see it flicker.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I can’t wait to read your upcoming posts and I really hope that it helps. Seriously we have to do and try what feels right for us, I have never been to an AA meeting and have no desire what so ever to attend one as I know it is just not for me. So if you know & feel that counselling and medication is not for you follow your gut instinct it is there for a reason. Sending you one of the those beautiful big hugs you send me XOX You too are really a very special person and the light you shine on other people is beautiful!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dwight, it is really brave to talk about these experiences. As someone who has been through major depression (at least twice, maybe three times depending on degree), it is tough. Even if you don’t get counseling, I find it helpful to connect with people I love and care about, even if that’s hard. It can be so valuable to share and get outside our heads for a bit when we are in pain, and depression can be such a visceral experience. Hopefully the writing can help as well – I’ve always enjoyed that because I feel I am making sense of things in a different way through writing. Creativity can be therapeutic, when you have the energy for it.

    My best wishes to you, and hope you find whatever works best to help along the way.

    Liked by 1 person

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