I don’t want to do anything today.
I don’t want to show up.
There are no curtains to close and life seems to be staring me down.
Nothing particular happened. It just is.
I want to bury myself in bed, but the beds are leaning against the wall.
The drywall guy will be here soon and another day of work is scheduled.
Today I just want to hide away and make it all stop.
I sometimes wonder if it has to do with being alone, but it would suck right now to even have someone ask is everything okay. Oh yes yes … just a bit crazy today. Thanks dear. I seriously don’t think I could live with someone 24×7. My god that seems painful. Is that sad to say? Not being able to check out or to coast when needed. Being watched and analyzed. I know that’s not how it always is but in my mind it is… Or maybe doing everything on my own is getting tiring. Just rambling. Maybe it’s normal. Maybe rest is needed. Why can’t I play this game like everyone or at least fake it as well as them. I know many of us wonder this.
Is there something wrong with me? Is there nothing wrong with me? Is there just a bit wrong with me? Ha. There’s nothing burning within. No spark today. I don’t want to take on this painting house project. I don’t want to do shit. What the fuck is wrong with me…I whisper …afraid to answer though. Today I don’t feel fuckin normal, but realize how fucked up most folks are because they somehow live within not normal but pretend it’s normal which seems very abnormal. You start wondering what’s real, who’s real.
It’s gray outside. It’s gray inside. I’ll lay my head against the wall, close my eyes, and search for peace. It will come.
I’m not crazy. We’re not crazy. Just human. We’ll get through it whatever “it” is.