I don’t want to do anything today

I don’t want to do anything today.
I don’t want to show up.
There are no curtains to close and life seems to be staring me down.
Nothing particular happened. It just is.
I want to bury myself in bed, but the beds are leaning against the wall.
The drywall guy will be here soon and another day of work is scheduled.

Today I just want to hide away and make it all stop.
I sometimes wonder if it has to do with being alone, but it would suck right now to even have someone ask is everything okay. Oh yes yes … just a bit crazy today. Thanks dear. I seriously don’t think I could live with someone 24×7. My god that seems painful. Is that sad to say? Not being able to check out or to coast when needed. Being watched and analyzed. I know that’s not how it always is but in my mind it is… Or maybe doing everything on my own is getting tiring. Just rambling. Maybe it’s normal. Maybe rest is needed. Why can’t I play this game like everyone or at least fake it as well as them. I know many of us wonder this.

Is there something wrong with me? Is there nothing wrong with me? Is there just a bit wrong with me? Ha. There’s nothing burning within. No spark today. I don’t want to take on this painting house project. I don’t want to do shit. What the fuck is wrong with me…I whisper …afraid to answer though. Today I don’t feel fuckin normal, but realize how fucked up most folks are because they somehow live within not normal but pretend it’s normal which seems very abnormal. You start wondering what’s real, who’s real.

It’s gray outside. It’s gray inside. I’ll lay my head against the wall, close my eyes, and search for peace. It will come.

I’m not crazy. We’re not crazy. Just human. We’ll get through it whatever “it” is.

dwight

32 responses to “I don’t want to do anything today”

  1. Yes. I so get this entire post!! I’m with you on not thinking I could live with anyone 24/7- unless we had a house with 2 separate wings! And come Mar or Apr (sometimes Sept) I never know who’s going to get up (if I can get up) in the morning- the positive, high energy person or the frightened, anxiety ridden depressive! It literally can come on that fast. It’s very bizarre but I’m trying to learn to just let it be. Not resist. Ride it like a wave and know that it will pass. It’s so hard- when I’m in that light, I can’t even imagine ever ending up in the dark again. But then, when I find I’m back in the dark, it feels like I’ll never see the light again. But I always do. And so will you my friend. Bear hugs and prayers Dwight.💜

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Morning, Dwight! I hope you are feeling somewhat better today however I know it doesn’t alway turn around that quick. It’s so normal to have days like these, hope you don’t get too down on yourself! In your future I can see you living with someone else, they would understand you have these days and likely check in with you but also give you the space you need. You are such a special person not to share! 😊 Hope you start to feel better soon and know you have a lot of friends who understand and care. We love ya! ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Huggs, Dwight💞. The nice thing about WordPress is that it is filled with people who’s lives aren’t perfect but they keep showing up and trying. Some things work, some don’t, some time you just need to lean against a wall mattress and have a nap. 😴

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Dwight I’ve had days like that too. And often I wonder now that I’ve been single (2 kids live with me full time though so not alone in the house though) if I could ever live with someone (other than the kids) again. Would I want to? I like my quiet time. I like to choose my tv stations. I like to sit and chat with friends without worrying who is listening. I like to wear my old slippers because they’re comfy. I hope you’re feeling better today. Big hugs

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You know this is gonna pass and you know that at the end of the day you will be glad you pushed through and didn’t let it beat you. I’m so proud of you as you have come such a long way and have always, always tried to help others at the same time. I’m also glad that you posted this so we can see that hey it’s okay to have dark moments but it’s what we do and how we react that matters. xox

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Just an update: I’m feeling much better. Took the day off today to get a good start on painting …a jump start if you will. Got my tunes cranked up and will hit it. Thank you all for your support…it makes my heart glow. ❤️🦸‍♀️🦸‍♂️

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Some days are grey, they lack colour and umph. But then other days are rainbows. It can be difficult to predict which will happen when and even harder to know why. I know you. You’ll wait this out and then be back, shining your light on us all xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  8. That’s a big part of life — trying to keep on keepin on even when, as you say, ‘it’s gray outside, it’s gray inside .’
    Thank you for sharing this post. It makes others feel less alone, I think, when someone has the guts to share internal turmoil like this

    Liked by 1 person

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