Men’s Work #5: You’re Not Alone
“Shame derives its power from being unspeakable.”
— Brené Brown
I believe most men carry some level of shame. We just don’t talk about it.
To me, shame is that painful feeling that comes when we look at parts of our past, our choices, or our behavior and wish we could undo them. Often just thinking about those moments can make us wince. Our first instinct is often to hide from it, to lock it away and hope no one sees it. We think, “I messed up, and I’m embarrassed by the person I was.”
But the work is not to stay trapped in shame. The work is to look honestly at ourselves, understand the impact of our choices, learn from them, and grow. We cannot change the past, but we can allow those experiences to shape who we become. We can choose future actions that are more aligned with the goodness, compassion, and love that already exist within us.
It might be something we did when we were young, a failed marriage, an addiction, a financial mistake, or simply not showing up as the man we wanted to be. Whatever it is, most of us know the men around us have their own shame too. The problem is, neither of us has the courage to speak about it. So we all carry it in silence, never realizing how much healing could begin if just one man went first.
Brené Brown writes that one of the biggest shame triggers for men is the fear of being seen as weak. I think she’s right. Many of us were raised to believe we should always be strong, stay in control, and handle life on our own. So instead of talking about our shame, we bury it. We put on a mask and hope no one notices what’s really going on inside.
I’ve carried my own shame too. That’s one of the reasons men’s work has become so meaningful to me. It has helped me realize that my mistakes are part of my story, but they are not my identity.
The more I’ve listened to other men share their stories, the more I’ve realized that shame is far more common than we think. I’ve sat with men who carried shame about addiction, anger, failed relationships, parenting, finances, and countless other struggles. Their stories were different from mine, but the feeling underneath was often the same.
None of us wants to be seen as weak. None of us wants to believe we’re unworthy of love or respect. So we stay quiet, and shame grows stronger in the silence.
But something changes when a man speaks his shame out loud and another man simply listens without judgment.
He realizes he’s not the only one.
He realizes he’s still worthy of love, respect, and belonging.
I’ve also learned that working through shame doesn’t mean pretending the past didn’t happen. It means taking responsibility for it, learning from it, making things right where we can, and allowing those experiences to help us become better men.
To me, that’s the difference between shame and growth.
Shame says, “This is who you are.”
Growth says, “This is what happened. Now what are you going to do with it?”
I don’t believe shame ever completely disappears. We’re human. There will always be moments when we wish we had chosen differently. But I also believe our greatest regrets can become some of our greatest teachers if we’re willing to face them with honesty, humility, and compassion.
None of us can rewrite our past.
But by bringing our shame into the light, we rediscover that we are worthy of love, learn from our past, and become men of light rather than darkness.
-Dwight
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