Men’s Work #12: What I’ve Learned So Far
“The work is difficult. The work is beautiful. And as I move forward, my soul smiles.”
—Dwight
When I started this series, I was asking a simple question: What is Men’s Work?
So many posts later, I realize I’m still figuring it out. And maybe that’s the point.
Over these past several months, I’ve written about brotherhood, authenticity, shame, fathers and sons, suicide, masculinity, anger, and the difficult work of looking honestly at ourselves. But underneath all of those subjects, I keep coming back to one thing:
Men are not meant to do this alone.
Many of us learned to hide. We put on a persona. We acted like we had everything figured out, even when we weren’t sure what the hell we were doing.
What I’ve discovered through Men’s Work is that even if I am feeling a little different, I’m not alone. There are other men who feel many of the same things I do. Our uniqueness isn’t something to hide. It’s part of our strength.
I’ve found other men who are willing to sit down at the table, take off the armor, and be honest about what’s really going on inside. That isn’t easy. Being vulnerable is hard. But I’ve learned that vulnerability becomes possible when there is a safe place to do it.
And something happens when men begin doing that together. We listen. We learn. We challenge each other. We hold each other accountable. We help each other see things we might not be able to see on our own. We walk shoulder to shoulder.
And somewhere along the way, something begins to change.
For me, it has felt like coming home.
When I was in Army boot camp, our drill sergeant had us yell while marching: “I like it here. I love it here. I finally found a home.”
I didn’t understand those words the way I do now.
I’ve found a home in brotherhood.
I don’t think embracing masculinity means becoming tougher, louder, or more dominant. It means discovering the man within you and having the courage to live as that man.
We don’t have to apologize for being men. We should take pride in who we are while continuing to learn, grow, and become better men.
At 60, I’ve just started my Men’s Work.
There is so much more for me to learn. Our own circle has already grown so much in a relatively short time. Now we’re beginning to move into accountability—looking honestly at areas of our lives we want to improve, creating endeavors, supporting one another, and coming back to the group to tell the truth about how we’re doing.
For me, Men’s Work is taking an honest look inside myself. It’s admitting the feelings that are stirring inside me and having the courage to explore them. It’s refusing to hide within and refusing to stand alone. It’s joining with other men to figure out this incredible life we have.
It’s working through the good, the bad, and the ugly together. And ultimately, I believe the work is about finding that positive light within ourselves—and having the courage to let it shine within us and outward to others.
Maybe that’s what I’ve been trying to say throughout this series.
There is so much goodness within us. I believe each of us was intended to be here for a purpose—a unique purpose. We don’t have to become someone we’re not. We don’t have to have everything figured out.
Maybe we need to look a little less at the macro of what a man is and a little more at the micro of who the man actually is.
I’m the first me.*
And you are the first you.
This is our first time being ourselves. A whole lot of life has shaped us into the men we are today. So maybe we can give ourselves—and each other—some grace. Not by avoiding responsibility or refusing to grow, but by coming together man to man, with enough understanding to listen, learn, and help each other become better men.
I’m just getting started.
And I am beyond grateful for the men I get to walk alongside. There are moments when I’m overwhelmed with gratitude for what we’ve found together. It feels precious. It feels like I’ve finally arrived.
I hope you’ve gotten something from this series. More than that, I hope it inspires you to find other men to walk alongside on this great journey of becoming a better man.
-Dwight
*Inspired by the concept of being “the first me” from Jamie Kern Lima’s book Worthy.
More on Men’s Work
If any of this stirred something in you, here’s where to go next.
I would highly encourage any man interested in exploring Men’s Work further to check out the ManKind Project and its Circle of Men opportunities.
And my North Star Brotherhood is always open to exploring the possibility of adding another man to the circle.
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