Pillow over the head

Today was a mental health day. I laid in bed, put the pillow over my head, and shut my eyes tight so darkness would come, and I could escape via sleep. There had been too much negative talk building up within and be it good or bad it is my escape. Some will say you must face it while others understand it’s a tsunami without much warning unless of course looking back.

I don’t usually write about it during, but to be as authentic as I can here I am. As I shut my eyes, I kept repeating be kind to yourself. Love yourself the way you want to be loved. You must start loving yourself more, and stop the shit show reel of you where you messed up so many times. Stop playing that over and over! The escape came with sleep.

I dragged myself out of bed at 3:15. Opened the blinds and windows and half assed a peloton 20 minute arm and shoulder workout. Shaved and showered and here I am tapping on my iPad. I just don’t know. I feel like I should know at 55. I’m drinking tons of water and worry now my sleep is fucked and tomorrow will take everything I’ve got to jump on the computer and start work. Most likely I’ll read plenty of Wayne Dyer tonight trying to build up my base.

Thoughts of talking with a therapist do come to mind, but I’ve never had much progress with that. Even took some happy pills for 5 weeks and quit right before they were going to ‘take”. I just felt like for me it wasn’t something I wanted in my body. Like I said looking back I see my mountain bike therapy has been nil the last couple of weeks. I started painting the outside of my house and I’ve been putting in all my time on that and sacrificing my mental health. And also these thought of how I wasn’t a huge help during my marriage keep popping up. As now I’m TheOne who has to get everything done..I just say damm I was pretty worthless back then. I know I can’t do anything about that now, and I’m not the same person, but if that’s a huge part of my past…it’s still hard to swallow.

Okay well now that I’ve probably brought you way down I’ll try to leave on an uP note. I realize I must be kinder to myself, forgive myself, and move forward to be the best person I can be. It’s not easy and as much as I hope one day it just becomes natural..I’ll reach deep within and keep striving.



21 responses to “Pillow over the head”

  1. You are not here to keep us all ‘up’ and lifted all time Dwight. You have every right to down days and crappy days and pillow over head days. You also should post about it here. It’s important that others who have similar struggles can experience this period for you and learn from it too. You have great insight into yourself and know when it’s a ‘pick yourself up and push through’ day and when time out is required. I’m no expert, but I think that is key to managing this. I also debate counselling and therapy but have had little success with it. I suspect we now ‘therap’ ourselves really. Be kind, listen to what you need and know this will pass. Sending you love and light 💕💕

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Good job taking care of yourself by taking a mental health day. You deserve rest and self care. I how understand that inner voice can send us spinning down a rabbit hole of “should have”s. I know it sucks, but let yourself feel it and move thorough it as best you can. I’ve never been “good at” therapy myself, but I think there is value in saying things out loud to another human being. Thinking of you and wishing you peace.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Emily. Writing it out here did help connect some dots and took away some of the sting instead of hiding it within. I’m taking in your peace and it feels good 😊❤️


  3. Good morning, you!! ☀️😍 I’m so glad you took a mental health day. Also-thank you for sharing this part of you with us, one of the reasons you are so relatable. I sure hope you feel better soon. As Claire said you have a great insight to yourself that we can start adapting to ourselves. Yesterday was going so well for me but the afternoon at work it all spiraled downhill. I had to a stop myself from crying. Luckily an early bedtime made for me to feel much differently this morning. Pfew! I am wishing you all the light and love you give to us all my friend!! ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Jackie. Today is a new day and I’ll be facing it upright and not in bed. Just going to focus on the Now and stay tuned into peace from Source. I was definitely out of harmony. Feeling the love from you and am very grateful for you! We will bask in the goodness today my friend. ✨😊

      Liked by 1 person

      • It overall was a good day. Went to a house that has 2 German Shepherd/Mix. The female is problematic and aggressive but I’ve never had an issue with the owners there. Today a different story. They were working. She was behind a gate, male out. The female and mean and snarling at me. Hated me there. I started to get so upset again as I need the money but did what I could and text the owner. She replied she appreciated me and what I did so in the end, I had an okay day. Only will do that house on weekends when they are there now. Hope you had an okay day too!!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Thanks, Dwight! It really was! I have never had a dog not like me, I love all animals!! Tomorrow is another new day although my parents called and their 26 year old bird passed away today. We have watched their bird numerous times and love him. They are coming tomorrow to bury him with my doggie that loved that bird. It never ends here but so glad their bird can be with my doggie in her memorial garden now. ❤️ ……just another day in paradise….


  4. As I read this, I see progress…look at how far you’ve come in so many ways…now it’s time for progress of self-kindness, and you are doing it! Sometimes we have to cut ourselves some slack. Even flowers have their season—they don’t bloom every day.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Yes, kindness to ourselves is a process, and we don’t just, “get it and do it.” We have to constantly remind ourselves…would we talk to a friend this way? We’re all guilty of it, I think. I haven’t taken a mental health day since I quit drinking, probably because I needed to take so many while drinking…but now you’ve got me thinking about how I’m still allowed to have those! I’ve been down lately as well. I guess just giving ourselves permission to feel like crap sometimes is important. Love and light.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. i meant to comment on this when i first read it but my eyes were so dry at that point i had to rest them.I’m so glad you posted here because sometimes you and i just seem to be in synch with this stuff, and it really helps to remember i don’t have to be perfect .Pillows are good under and over the head , depending on the situation. I have about a dozen pillows and i keep buying them. Not sure what that says about me..lol…carry on and keep at it- these things do pass, as you well know! Hugs!

    Liked by 1 person

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