Today was a mental health day. I laid in bed, put the pillow over my head, and shut my eyes tight so darkness would come, and I could escape via sleep. There had been too much negative talk building up within and be it good or bad it is my escape. Some will say you must face it while others understand it’s a tsunami without much warning unless of course looking back.
I don’t usually write about it during, but to be as authentic as I can here I am. As I shut my eyes, I kept repeating be kind to yourself. Love yourself the way you want to be loved. You must start loving yourself more, and stop the shit show reel of you where you messed up so many times. Stop playing that over and over! The escape came with sleep.
I dragged myself out of bed at 3:15. Opened the blinds and windows and half assed a peloton 20 minute arm and shoulder workout. Shaved and showered and here I am tapping on my iPad. I just don’t know. I feel like I should know at 55. I’m drinking tons of water and worry now my sleep is fucked and tomorrow will take everything I’ve got to jump on the computer and start work. Most likely I’ll read plenty of Wayne Dyer tonight trying to build up my base.
Thoughts of talking with a therapist do come to mind, but I’ve never had much progress with that. Even took some happy pills for 5 weeks and quit right before they were going to ‘take”. I just felt like for me it wasn’t something I wanted in my body. Like I said looking back I see my mountain bike therapy has been nil the last couple of weeks. I started painting the outside of my house and I’ve been putting in all my time on that and sacrificing my mental health. And also these thought of how I wasn’t a huge help during my marriage keep popping up. As now I’m TheOne who has to get everything done..I just say damm I was pretty worthless back then. I know I can’t do anything about that now, and I’m not the same person, but if that’s a huge part of my past…it’s still hard to swallow.
Okay well now that I’ve probably brought you way down I’ll try to leave on an uP note. I realize I must be kinder to myself, forgive myself, and move forward to be the best person I can be. It’s not easy and as much as I hope one day it just becomes natural..I’ll reach deep within and keep striving.
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