Why am I mad?

I decided to write about this just to see if I could work through it by taking a closer look. Also it’s very insightful when looking back at my path. Here we go.

For those who have read my posts you might know The Dragon (depression) use to visit each year in February and March. I had thought I had somehow escaped its wrath this year. I was pleasantly surprised but feared acknowledging this fact in case it woke up and pounced all last minute like. I now fear that maybe it just switched tactics.

I say that because when you’re sober and out of the fog you start picking up on themes going on and lately I notice I’m getting upset, pissed, and mad at others… a lot. I know this is a reflection on me and not them, so I need to work through this. I’m going to vent negativity so be warned. Might be a good time to leave. I don’t usually do this cause we already get enough of that today, but this is more for me to track.


I won’t go into big details, but here are some of the things:

Mad at furnace company. I just had to have my furnace replaced and spent a lot of money and I didn’t feel that they treated my professionally. The lack of customer service was pathetic. (Worthiness)

I’m upset when people write a post and you take the time to write a comment and they can’t even acknowledge it by a simple like. (Acknowledgement)

I’m pissed the vet assistant told me my older dog Boris wreaked and couldn’t stand her overall pompous f’n attitude. (Hurt)

I’m upset a YouTuber I follow won’t pull the trigger and get out on the road full time and start living van life. He talks about it but always has excuses. (Scared)


So there you go. Some pretty silly. Some not. I’m not looking for you to say you have a right to be upset …blah blah. I realize I’m an adult and I have the power over my thoughts and this is about how I’m interpreting events and processing them. Right now it’s not good. I swear I just felt the breath of The Dragon on my neck.

It’s puzzling why this is appearing now because I’m actually feeling pretty good with my life and have initiated actions for further growth that are coming along good. Maybe that’s it? Just another way to distract my growth and knock me down? We tend to defeat ourselves.

I categorized each one and came up with worthiness, acknowledgement, hurt, and scared. Yep, these are very familiar in ref to me. I’m just projecting on others.

Next steps: Acknowledging the needed work is half the battle. There is dirt under the carpet. I’m acknowledging it here and now. I’m also going to get back sitting with spirit and my guides in the mornings and listen to what they have to say. Casting light and love within also works very well.

By no means am I down and out. I just noticed what’s coming out as anger and know it needs addressed. I’m definitely continuing my Going for it challenge! It does bring me joy. Still a lot of work to do for me. Good needed work. It’s a trip being Human!

Peace,

Dwight

31 thoughts on “Why am I mad?

  1. Sending you a big hug and also a reminder hey you are human and those are all human emotions. Your not robot that is programmed to always be a ray of sunshine and happy and bright carrying the torch of positivity for us all. All of that is said with total love AND agreed you now have a starting point to work on it but I also wanted to say don’t be to hard on yourself. P.S. the furnace guy sounds like a dick, good customer service is actually not that hard. Hmm have I helped or made it worse lol. xox

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  2. I think this is great Dwight – you’re unpicking your anger and identifying the more nuanced feelings behind it. It does hurt to be human sometimes especially when others aren’t thoughtful and kind in how they interact – this is a good antidote to depression – keep shining your light my friend 💞💞

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  3. Dwiiiiight…..I’m sending you a big hug! ❤️I read your blog twice and I admire how you wrote out what had been making you mad and categorized it as well! Your hard work and determination to get out of the fog is a huge staple in this! I am sure thinking of you and if there’s anything I can do to help, just let me know! Hope you are able to keep us updated! Oh and that vet attendant…..Yeah well let’s see when she’s old and can’t properly wipe her own ass if she smells all roses and rainbows….. 🤬 ( Female dog ) …Maybe that was a little too much….😬🤣
    Humans are just not nice sometimes and it does hurt. My daughter that is in college is going through a small rough patch. She’s home till Sunday. People are hurtful and we hope to help her regroup before sending her back. You take care and don’t be too hard on yourself too!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, Jackie. Made me laugh your comment on the vet. To be fair old Boris was laying down some intense farts…but he’s old and was scared. Sorry to hear about your daughter and hurtful people around her. Shower her with love. I decided to take a mental day from work and going to just relax and chill for the day. Thanks again!

      Liked by 2 people

  4. This is a really good post. You pointed out that anger covers another, maybe more painful emotion. Anger is our friend because it drives us to change things, but sometimes we get angry at things we can’t change – and that’s a cover for another painful emotion which is powerlessness. As I blogged a little when I was mad at the builders. I was angry because I felt trapped: we were so close to finishing and I felt they were manipulating the situation to probably charge me more or leave work undone. It was that feeling I couldn’t make the situation right, plus being “tricked” that locked me into 3 days of anger. Another thing anger reveals is unconscious values that we rate highly and other people step on. We make rules for ourselves around these values (like, say, trying hard to always be on time, and others don’t) and it belittles our sometimes subconscious efforts when other people don’t even care about our made up rules!!! So paying attention to our anger can teach us things too. Such an interesting post!!!

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  5. Love this, Dwight. By sitting with spirit in the morning to you mean meditating? I have always meant to try that. I can relate to your feelings – I consider my worst qualities to be that I lack patience and can be quick to judge others. Maybe someday I can unpack this … after I work on the whole sober thing 😉

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  6. Dwight I’m sending you a healing hug. I thought about emailing you what I want to say, but then decided to just write it here. Hope you don’t mind.
    Often I like to write it out in order to get a better view of what’s going on with me so I like that you did it too. I think that you’ve hit the nail on the head with your feelings about each situation. What I will say is that it sounds to me as if these are leftover triggers/debris that just need to be processed and allowed to let go and heal. Not to say that you’ve not done a huge amount of work on yourself and personal growth because you have! You’re amazing!! This is just the cha cha that comes when we are moving forward to our new journey. It’s the surrendering of what doesn’t fit anymore in our lives. You’ve been such an inspiration to so many people (including me) so I love that you’ve shared this here. It helps when we know that many of us are having a hard time right now because we are. Spiritually things are shifting and we are being asked to let go of what no longer serves us and re-evaluate what we want and how we want to live. Again, you’re doing a great job and I’m sending you hugs!! We’re all here beside you my friend! 💗

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks you so much for the kind comments and healing hug, Janie. Even writing it out was a big release along with not hiding from it. Helped to take some of the emotional punch away from it. Definitely am trying to let those categories go. Big hug to you with extra squeezes🤗😊❤️

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  7. Nice post and so good you are pausing, reflecting and doing the work. It doesn’t stop or reduce the feelings at the time but I realised today that knowing and believing you can ride the waves and not get dragged under is such an awesome step!! Like you, I see depression as something with its own persona that lurks around and waits. It lets situations happen, getting closer and closer, sucking out my resilience and my calm until suddenly I find myself snapping, crying, getting cross etc. Then it strikes! By becoming an observer in the four different scenarios you have taken yourself out of the story. Depression and anxiety do not like that! No siree! What’s the acronym that’s suggested to help us in moments like you described? No, not FYVL (F*** you vet lady). RAIN. Recognise, Allow, Investigate and Nurture. Looks to me like you are RAINing like a good ‘un my friend. Sending light ⭐️ and love ❤️ to you xx

    Liked by 1 person

      • Yep, I first heard it in a meditation on the Buddhify app and then I read about it somewhere. I’m always looking for little strategies and techniques that reduce my ‘reactive’ nature (particularly when I’m feeling low) and help me stand back and get some distance from those emotions. ☺️😘

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  8. many times it feels like just when i am going along at a good clip, thinking nothing can stop me or be an obstacle this very same thing happens. It’s frustrating. But in hind site, i always see the challenge/lesson and try to remember that ‘what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger’. Some may also describe this as God’s way ( not that everyone is religious- just sayin)of reminding us we are not yet in heaven, and there will be strife ( i.e. imperfection). I love the way u broke down the emotions- i remember something similar in the AA teachings, although i never officially worked with a sponsor. I believe that was one of the things i felt was a good part of the whole AA thing, because we always always always need to be examining ourselves.By the way, one doesn’t always have to be love and light, unicorns and rainbows, or Mr./Mrs. Zen-Happy-Wonderful. I am finally grasping that it is ok to be whatever i need to be each day without feeling negative or frustrated by it…big ole hugs and Namaste!

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    • I agree.I was thinking more about it last night and that God’s way was coming through to me as harmony and for some crazy reason I was thinking back to my daughter’s choir concerts where some sang high and others low and when combined it was beautiful. Maybe a bit cheesy but that’s what stuck. Thanks for the reminder.😊

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  9. Love this!
    I love how you assigned categories to them! Really a good idea. It helps to see patterns in our lives.
    Also ok to be angry. It often gives us push to change, or to be assertive.
    I noticed I am foggy feeling, it happens after time change here.
    Perhaps that factors in depression as well.
    You are such a supportive friend!
    Thank you for all your help!
    xo
    Wendy

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Yes, it is a trip, Dwight, and sometimes more enjoyable than others:) I wonder if when a person is feeling quite good, as you have been, maybe you might start to worry or feel concerned it won’t last. Good that you can reflect on your feelings in this way!

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