Please read Part I: The Rising if you haven’t already to get the context of this post.
Have you ever experienced a Phoenix Rising?
I’ll attempt to answer these but I’m guessing it will be more like bits and pieces of rambling but that’s okay I guess. I would love to hear about your rising in a blog post on your site or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org.
How do you explain why it happened? Do you feel you attracted this to show up in your life?
Ha. That seems like the most appropriate first response, since I’m nervous writing about this. Ha! Had to say it again to just break the ice. Before I start there is this concept I’ve heard from many spiritual leaders that describe us “signing up” for this individual human experience. Like prior to it in an effort to grow. I find that very interesting and there is definitely part of me that agrees while another part just doesn’t know.
If I would of had my way it obviously wouldn’t of happened, but that wasn’t in the script. There was a force greater than me that connected the dots and started the motion. For I was very content ignoring many signs and hanging out on my lily pad with earplugs watching the show from behind the fog. It’s easy looking back seeing the shit show approaching. I had reached a successful level society prescribed and I literally just stopped…stopped putting more effort into life regarding everything. Myself and marriage. I started coasting and you can only coast for so long.
In the back of my mind I knew all wasn’t well. Out of the 16 years being married, I’m pretty sure I told the ex on two to three different occasions “ jokingly” if you ever stop loving me let me know so I can have a chance to find someone who does love me. Yes I had issues with feeling loved and I’m sure I attracted The Fall.
Why do you think not everyone has one?
That does boggle my mind. The easy answer is I guess we are on different journeys. The ego in me says it’s because they have their shit together unlike me. My heart and soul doesn’t completely buy it though. I think possibly some folks are just professional controllers. Meaning staying up out of the deep emotions and just living at a surface level. I have no fucking clue how that works, but I’m sure you know many of them personally. I tried that and had to use mass quantities of alcohol which definitely made things worse.
I have to think for those controllers it has to be so damn exhausting, but when you talk to them life is always good. I don’t know … I’m not always buying it. So am I saying everyone needs to be swatted down once in life to fully grow? Gosh I hope not but it does seem to be a theme I’ve noticed. So my answer for this one is I don’t know.
Are you grateful for it or do you have mixed feelings?
I’m grateful!!! My sorry ass needed it. There was no other way I was going to change, because I didn’t change even when the writing flashed and disappeared on the wall several times like lightning. Yes it sucked for me and my family and that’s the mixed feeling not wanting to hurt them. But again, it was The Way. A loving source was leading the way.
At the very moment when you were swatted down was it the most real/alive you’ve ever been with yourself? How would you describe it?
Swat down is spot on! Like I said in Part I, smeared into “it” describes it very well. The frayed plug was finally unplugged. All the faking, hiding, and acts evaporated right then and there. It’s definitely a movie scene that I’ve replayed many times in my head except it was real. I know where I was, where I was sitting, and what I did right afterwards. At that point my life went to before and after based on those words. BEFORE just dissolved right before my eyes. My face cringed like I couldn’t of possibly heard it correctly. But there was no doubt I had. My heart started racing and I had to catch my breath. I somehow made it to the front yard to sit in a lawn chair and was in shock! It was more real then I ever wanted it to be. It was just me digesting this information and I never spoke to anyone about it for many months afterwards. Denial!
Have you ever even came close to that level of intensity/realness again? If no, why do you think that is?
No. Thank God! It’s not something one goes searching for or planning for. The intensity literally killed a piece of me. This is why I can say I wouldn’t of “changed” on my own accord like I believe I am now. It takes something like this to change that profound and that deep. An outside force is required to intervene because I wasn’t going to do it.
I’m second guessing writing this piece but … I can only imagine the courage it took the ex to start this process. I say this lovingly. To know there was going to be a beyond shit show, but to have faith in oneself to do what had to be done. And yes it did need to be done.
Is there a very small part of you that misses that “realness/true reality” experienced even though the pain was fucking brutal?
I’ll admit there is a piece of me that probably romanticizes over making it through. Probably not the right word … but you get the idea. Again, I certainly don’t miss it because I barely survived it. Facing your truth. It is part of my hero story.
I’ll answer these in Part III.
What did you learn from it that you realize you would of never learned otherwise?
What did you attempt to carry forward that you eventually had to drop?
Did you take this new wisdom and change? How?
Do you feel like you’re slipping backwards, putting up mirrors, or ignoring signs?
What do you tell yourself when thinking back at that time?
Have you ever sat down, face to face, across from another loving soul and shared this experience with the level of details above? If not, why?