A Cold Dark Night

I stepped out into the cold dark night all bundled up, reflector vest on, headphones playing Whispering Notes from the Insight Timer app, and was getting ready to put on my headlamp. As I shut the front door and stepped off the stoop, I remember a night probably very close to exactly 6 years ago.

It was just days before leaving the home of my wife and two kids. A night very dark and cold as tonight. It was the period of my marriage ending but still living together. The kids still didn’t know. This period went on for 5 months. Why we put ourselves through that hell I don’t know.

Well really I guess I do. I was hoping and praying we could somehow stay together. Well on that particular night it was late and everyone had gone to bed and I was out in my office in front of the fire slamming beers down one after another trying to escape into the fog. As I kept drinking I cried, I prayed, and basically twisted in emotional pain. My mind kept replaying the heartache over and over and to escape I finally stepped out into the dark cold night with just my coat no hat, gloves, or light and just started walking as I cried. I believe it was a full moon and I can remember it was snowing. I was beyond drunk and just stumbling through the snow for about 5 miles asking God why God why? I somehow made it back home and passed out on the couch. I think a few days later we told the kids and I left.

This movie all played back to me tonight, but tonight I wasn’t the same person. Yes my heart is still broken, but now it’s broken open to receive and give more love. As I was replaying that scene, I remember a word that kept popping up all this week for me – Free will. I thought how hard it must of been that night for God and my guides to watch me fall further and further into the abyss. Even though they had the knowing it was The Way and only way to reconnect with my soul; it’s still must of been deeply hard to watch their child suffer.

As I continued on my walk tonight I gave thanks to Spirit and my Guides for watching over me during this long period of regrowth and helping me shine from within. Tonight I cried again as I walked, but this time it was tears of joy, grace, and complete love. I am not the same man I was back then. I AM now a man with much empathy and love. Free will was the only way this could of come about. There are no shortcuts. Halfway through my walk I stopped, looked up into the stars, twirled around 360 degrees, and asked out loud “remember that night? – look at us now”. At the moment love wrapped me like a warm blanket and I even felt like God and my guides were clapping and we all shared a tear of joy.

As I approached my house and stepped onto my drive, the Whispering Notes music I had selected ended. It was a 1hr 9 minute piece and it finished right when I had RETURNED HOME❤️

When you’re going through those dark night’s of the soul, I get it…it’s hard to see the light at the end. All I can tell you is from my experiences is it’s there. It’s a new joyous light too that will having you giving thanks daily.

Trust Spirits free will. Do the work by finding and opening to your true self and bask in the light here and NOW.

Big hugs,

Dwight, Guides, and God❤️

The Dark Night of the Soul

I was recently watching a video dealing with fear and in it this women stated, “We really really are our own worst critics and quite cruel and mean to ourselves. We start to question ourselves, doubt ourselves. I think that was me. I couldn’t go on any further. It was really quite painful to come up against a lot of self-criticism and judgement, felt like a dark night of the soul”.

This intrigued me. It was my introduction. I wrote it down. What is the concept of dark night of the soul? Many references point back to the poet and mystic St. John of the Cross of the 16 century who wrote a commentary titled The Dark Night. It describes a spiritual crises in the journey toward union with god.

Others describe it as:

“The dark night of the soul is when you have lost the flavor of life but have not yet gained the fullness of divinity. So it is that we must weather that dark time, the period of transformation when what is familiar has been taken away and the new richness is not yet ours.”— Ram Dass

“There can be no rebirth without a dark night of the soul, a total annihilation of all that you believed in and thought that you were.”― Hazrat Inayat Khan

“The “dark night of the soul” is a term that goes back a long time. Yes, I have also experienced it. It is a term used to describe what one could call a collapse of a perceived meaning in life…an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness. The inner state in some cases is very close to what is conventionally called depression. Nothing makes sense anymore, there’s no purpose to anything. Sometimes it’s triggered by some external event, some disaster perhaps, on an external level. The death of someone close to you could trigger it, especially premature death, for example if your child dies. Or you had built up your life, and given it meaning – and the meaning that you had given your life, your activities, your achievements, where you are going, what is considered important, and the meaning that you had given your life for some reason collapses.”— Eckhart Tolle

“The dark night of the soul is a stage in personal development when a person undergoes a difficult and significant transition to a deeper perception of life and their place in it. This enhanced awareness is accompanied by a painful shedding of previous conceptual frameworks such as an identity, relationship, career, habit or belief system that previously allowed them to construct meaning in their life.”— Joshua Press. I came his article, The Dark Night of the Soul: Understanding Amidst the Absence of Meaning. I highly recommend reading it to learn more.

This is obviously a very personal experience but here are some commonalities I could relate to when researching futher:

  • A spiritual depression
  • Questioning your existence, your life
  • Seem lost or stuck
  • The feeling of suffering is overwhelming
  • Not living your own life; living what was instead prescribed by our collective consciousness
  • An event occurred that turned your whole world upside down
  • A literal surrendering to your higher power; a pushing away trying to ignore your higher power
  • Desire to shed things, to get quiet, listen, reconnect (to be still)

How many times have you tried to explain this process to someone or even yourself and just couldn’t find the words? Even the words above can’t fully give it justice because words can only help point us toward an experience. This perfectly describes my experience after my divorce. It took much internal work and battles and 3 years before the light started cracking through. Knowing your not alone on this journey and that many others have rediscovered a new path that shines for them is priceless! You too can soldier through this with Faith.

One last interesting note. In Joshua’s article, the graphic he used was the same one I used a few posts back when writing my blog post titled BE STILL see below… I began to feel like I was being lead along a bit or more like a light was starting to shine in an area I never noticed before. Just prior to this I had also started going to bed listening to this meditation I AM by Wayne Dyer, My BE STILL post was a a quote from Wayne. Notice the capitals. Did Wayne guide me? My goosebumps say yes.

This is the key to remember:

Much light to all of you,

Dwight

Love remains

I can’t help sense that behind everything is Love. There is no science I can point to just an innate knowing.

This sense of something . I believe we all feel it at times. To me, the bravest thing we can do is not give into fear, but instead allow love to take form within us and give it away daily to ALL.

I know it is very discouraging with all that is going on in the world and with mankind. I truly feel though, we have an opportunity to grow upwards and evolve if we just reconnect to the intention of Source.

Peace,

Dwight

Freedom

 

I posted this out on my Instagram page last year. As many of you know, I have quite the history with my dragon.

This dragon isn’t being sent to me from beyond.


It’s coming from within.

Sometimes it’s the only way my soul can get my attention.

Each time I’m forced to battle, I get stronger.

Our soul is quite the teacher.


You were intended here by a Great Spirit.

Call it what you will.

Your freedom is that you are Perfect – Whole – Complete

Aho❤️

Wait

“I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing; wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting. Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought: So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.”

-T. S. Eliot


“As a Wanderer, an apprentice to the unknown, you long to be initiated into the fully embodied life of your soul. You will have to wait. The fallow time of the second cocoon, the time between death and rebirth, cannot be dodged. To catch up to your soul, you will have to learn, as T. S. Eliot did, to place your faith and love and hope in the waiting.”

-Soulcraft by Bill Plotkin


These two quotes reasonate with me. There have been multiple times in my life where everything within just shut down going into safety mode to cause no further damage. I’d scream come on already, but nothing. Just darkness. Eventually I’d start back uP, and think I died and re-birthed. Like a one way trip from caterpillar to butterfly. Oh how I was wrong. How many re-births will it take? For the waiting isn’t something I do very well. The thought arises there are still parts that obviously never died, and I indeed have some catching up to do. Now I attempt to sit with and trust the waiting 😊